SMSNA receives and publishes “guest editorials” periodically. The current article was submitted by Mia Barnes, a freelance writer and researcher specializing in women’s health, wellness and healthy living. She is its Founder and Editor-in-Chief Body+Mind Magazine.
Bereavement is an intense emotional experience. It can cause a range of negative emotions, including confusion, denial, sadness and anxiety — as well as changes in libido and emotional intimacy. While every grief journey is different, understanding its impact on your relationship with your partner can help you better manage the pain.
Discover the effects of grief on libido and emotional intimacy.
Emotional distance
Connecting or communicating with your partner can be difficult as you process your grief. Disconnection can create distance, which can lead to loss of sexual intimacy, isolation and loneliness. Overwhelming emotions can also cause a sense of distance from reality, confusion and lack of focus, which can spill over into the relationship.
Loss of libido
It can be hard to feel excited when you’re overwhelmed by sadness. Lower libido levels can lead to intimacy problems that last for months or years. Depending on how you manage your emotions, this effect is temporary.
Additionally, the nature of the loss can also dictate your libido levels. For example, the death of a child may lead to reluctance to re-engage with sex for fear of becoming pregnant again.
Increased sex drive
Arousal during grief is a typical response among other people. For some, their libido increases as sex releases endorphins and oxytocin, which create positive feelings. However, intercourse can be used as a way to avoid stress and sadness.
Increased sex drive can often lead to feelings of guilt afterwards. Consequently, the bereaved partner may feel disconnected because the goal of sex is to escape negative feelings rather than to bond with a partner.
Increased conflict
Bereavement causes higher levels of stress, which can lead to increased misunderstandings between you and your partner. This negative feeling can make you more sensitive to criticism, which can lead to overreaction or conflict over minor issues.
Physical discomforts
Grief can manifest itself physically, causing fatigue, sleep disturbances and other symptoms that lower libido, such as:
- Chest tightness, which can be similar to the symptoms of a panic attack
- Restlessness without desire for physical activities
- Constant crying
- Faster heartbeats
- Nausea, shaking and vomiting
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You may be frustrated when your partner doesn’t understand or validate your sadness. Some people may shy away from sharing their feelings with their significant others, worried that they might burden them. As a result, they may internalize their feelings, leading to frustration.
If you are the bereaved partner, you may wonder how long it will take for your partner to become intimate again. Although it can be difficult, opening up to your partner about intimacy can make you feel guilty.
How to Talk About Emotional Intimacy While Grieving
Talking about emotional or sexual needs can be difficult but not impossible. Discover how to open the issue more seamlessly.
- Be patient
There is no timeline for how long grief lasts and no right way to feel it. After a year, the pain may still be fresh or as if it all happened a long time ago. Be patient with yourself and deal with your feelings in your own time. Be sure to communicate this with your partner.
- Practice Open Communication
Being honest about your feelings and needs can be challenging, but remember that your partner is supposed to help you. For example, you can express your need for intimacy without sex until you overcome your negative feelings.
- Seek professional help
Let your partner know if sadness is interfering with your ability to do everyday activities. Communicate your need for professional support. A supportive significant other will be happy to guide you along the way.
Navigate grief better
Remember that there is no right or wrong way to process grief. Time is the best healer, but the right communication and support can help you achieve recovery faster.
References:
Jones, S., Albuquerque, S., Pascoal, P. (2024). Grief and sexual intimacy: Exploring therapists’ views of bereaved clients. International Journal of Sexual Health. 36(3), 425–437. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1080/19317611.2024.2354815
Watson, L. (2021, August 13). Why and how to talk about sex while grieving. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/married-and-still-doing-it/202108/why-and-how-talk-about-sex-while-grieving
Taraborelli, D. (2023, December 20). Understanding the different types of grief. Sanctuary in Sedona. https://www.sanctuary.net/blog/different-types-of-grief/
Riley, C. (2023, June 19). How grief affects sex drive and how to talk about it with your partner. Hi Emma.
