Part 1
During the holiday season, we often reflect on what we are thankful for and what gifts we might want to receive or give to those we love. One of the greatest gifts I have been given involves my family and my work with men and their families.
It has been said that the two most important days of our lives are the day we were born and the day we learned why. I was born on December 21, 1943. I found out why it was November 21, 1969, the day our first son, Cemal, was born. When I held him in my arms, I vowed to be a different father than my father could be to me and to do everything I could to create a world where fathers were fully healed and involved with families them throughout their lives.
After the birth of our daughter, Angela, on March 22, 1972, I created my website, MenAlive.com. Like many parents of both boys and girls, I soon became fascinated with their similarities and differences. Many things followed gender norms that we tend to associate with masculine or feminine qualities. Despite giving them a range of toys to play with, our son was drawn to the toy cars and our daughter to the dolls.
We usually think of boys and men as risk takers, but in our family, Angela was a risk taker. Growing up in California, summer fun usually involved water sports, so getting the kids used to the water was something we started early. Angela loved the water. As soon as he could walk, he waded into the deep end of the community pool in our neighborhood. She immediately sank to the bottom and I had to dive in to save her. Pulling hers and admonishing her, I was sure she would never do it again. But I was wrong. As soon as our heads turned, he ran to the edge of the pool and repeated the process. He learned to swim very quickly or he wouldn’t still be here.
When I graduated from college at UC Santa Barbara in 1965, I applied and was accepted to several medical schools. I chose UC San Francisco and had visions of becoming a psychiatrist so I could help men like my father who had overdosed on sleeping pills when I was five after becoming increasingly depressed because he felt he couldn’t make ends meet he lived to support me and my mother.
I grew up wondering what happened to my father, when it would happen to me, and how I could prevent it from happening to other families. I wrote about my father’s healing journey in my book, My Distant Dad: Healing the Wound of the Father of the Family.
I found traditional medical training too limiting at the time and transferred to the UC Berkeley School of Social Welfare where I earned a Masters in Social Work in 1968. I began a doctoral program at the same time, but found myself doing research on issues with which I had little real-life experience. . After many years of working in the field, I went back to school and earned a PhD in International Health.
Even before I had kids, sex and gender were on my mind. When I started medical school in 1965, almost all the students were male. When I switched to social work, almost all the students were women. When I graduated in 1968 and became interested in men’s health issues, there were very few professionals working in the field.
It was a time when feminism was on the rise. I still have the paperback copy of Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique with the price of $75 posted on the cover. I had bought the book when it first came out in 1963 and discussed it with my wife as we were considering marriage. After the publication of The Female Mystiqueone of the best-selling books of the 1960s, Betty Friedan led a lifetime of political action on behalf of feminism that led to a reshaping of American law and culture. She helped found the National Organization for Women in 1966, an organization that won notable legal and political victories for feminism. Friedan believed that the future of civilization depended on women choosing a new, career-focused lifestyle.
The first chapter of Friedan’s book was titled, “The Problem That Has No Name.” She described the growing dissatisfaction felt by women in the 1960s.
“The problem has been buried, unspoken, for many years in the minds of American women.”
Friedan said.
“It was a strange agitation, a sense of discontent, a longing that women suffered…She was afraid to ask even herself the silent question, ‘Is this all?'”
My wife was questioning the roles she and other women were told they should follow. I was faced with similar questions about the male role. I had seen my father almost die because he felt he had failed in the traditional role of “breadwinner” for men. I definitely wanted to be successful in the work world, but I also wanted to be successful as a husband and father.
I saw the emerging women’s liberation movement as a movement for men’s liberation as well. In my mind, if women were breaking out of old sex and gender roles, that meant men could break out of the complementary roles that restricted men. Although some feminists I met in the 1960s saw men as allies, most did not.
I remember going to San Francisco one Saturday in 1965 and visiting a feminist bookstore. I was lonely, but I always enjoyed exploring bookstores and looking for interesting books. I immersed myself in the glorious world of reading and didn’t notice the young boy who kept bumping into me as I passed the isles pulling out books that might catch my eye. I finally noticed him and smiled as he walked by. On the next pass, he shoved a piece of paper into my hands.
At first I thought this was a playful game the boy was starting until I read the note. My heart broke when I read that. An eight-year-old’s gear read, “We don’t like men in this store.” I looked up to see the woman behind the desk looking at me, obviously the boy’s mother. I don’t know if he would have approved of the note he left or what messages he subliminally passed along, but it pained me to think how this boy would feel about himself as a male as he grew up.
Training men to work in helping professions
Richard V. Reeves is the founding president of the American Institute on Boys and Men (AIBM) and author of the book, Boys and Men: Why the Modern Man Struggles, Why It Matters, and What We Should Do About It. He says,
“Mental health needs are pervasive in men, yet the proportion of men meeting these needs in the mental health professions is low and falling.”
He goes on to say,
“Men represent only 18% of social workers and 20% of psychologists, up from the male share of 38% in social work and 68% in psychology in 1968.”
I have been fortunate to have been a health professional specializing in working with men and their families for many years. It has been a wonderful profession that I have enjoyed for over fifty years. I was able to do the work I love, with people I care about, and make a great life for myself and my family.
From 2025, the MenAlive Academy for Gener-Specific Healthcare plans to offer trainings for the following groups:
- Men who are trained and licensed professionals in fields such as medicine, psychology, social work, marriage and family counseling who want to specialize in working with men and their families.
- Male practitioners, including coaches, mediators, therapists, who currently work with men but want to increase their skills and professional success.
- Male professionals, including those from the business world and other sectors, who would like to develop expertise to work to improve men’s mental, emotional and relational wellbeing.
If you want to get more information about me and my work, you can visit me at www.MenAlive.com. If you would like to receive more information about upcoming trainings, please email me: Jed@MenAlive.com and in the subject line put “Men’s training”. If you know any men who might be interested, please share this information with them.
I will be writing a series of articles to share more information about why men should consider becoming a career helping men and their families. If you haven’t already subscribed to my free weekly newsletter, you can do so here:
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