One of the hardest, yet truest parts of being human is going through the heart. Separation can cause a kind of “ambiguous grief.” Grieving a person or relationship that is still alive and perhaps still a part of your life in some way.
This sadness and frustration can make you feel like you are falling apart and unable to carry on with your daily life. Scientists support the very real physical sensation that many people feel when they are broken. Many people experience chest pain, panic attacks, and “crushed” feelings.
The science behind heartbreak
Hormones released during heartbreak can activate both the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. This can confuse the brain and heart, making them feel like they’re getting mixed messages (sound familiar?). These mixed messages can disrupt the heart’s electrical activity. We see the effect on widows and widowers who have a 41% increased risk of dying within the first six months of losing their spouse.
Further research suggests that heartbreak may have an evolutionary purpose. That the pain people experience has helped them survive and that the risk of heartbreak plays a role in secure attachment and social bonding.
As interesting as the science behind heartbreak is, it probably doesn’t lessen the pain you’re experiencing. That’s why we’re here to support you with some practical tips for getting over a breakup.
Set Boundaries
Some breakups can last for weeks, months or even years. This is especially true if you have children with someone, have lived together, or share other assets. That’s why it’s so important to have boundaries.
Healer, physical teacher and founder of The Embodiment Institute, Prentis Hemfilos, defined boundaries as “the distance at which I can love you and me at the same time.” Her work emphasizes the importance of loving yourself first to lay the foundation for your connection with others.
Boundaries can seem like an intangible concept or impossible to navigate in the stress of grief, so here are some examples.
- Boundaries with your ex may seem like you’re out of touch or if you share groups of friends, you take turns going to social gatherings.
- Boundaries with friends might include saying, “I need space to focus on myself right now,” or “I’d love to do an activity together that focuses on self-care.”
- Boundaries with yourself (yes, they exist) might mean deleting your ex’s social media stories, or setting aside 20 minutes a day to actively grieve, then returning to your normal activities.
You are not a bad person for setting boundaries. Setting boundaries sets you up for success in your future relationships, whether romantic or with friends or family.
Find time to process
It can be easy to want to distract yourself from the frustration. This could be through work, partying or getting back on a date. While a healthy amount of distraction can help you take a break from the pain, you can’t just brush it under the rug.
A romantic relationship, no matter how big or small, can have a huge impact on who we are. They can be the catalyst for change and growth, even when you are separated.
So many conflicting emotions can come up during a breakup – shame, rage, sadness, resentment, anger, grief, sadness. They are all welcome, and they are all valid. Creating space to process these feelings and the thoughts that arise allows you to actively move through them so they don’t seep under the surface and create further damage.
Practice Self-Care
Self-care is one of the most overused terms in the world of wellness, and for good reason. Taking care of yourself is important. Especially during a breakup. Practicing self-care is one way you can make room for processing. Self-care can also be hard to practice when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and hide away from the world.
If you’re going through a breakup or other kind of heartbreak, we’ll challenge you to do one act of self-care a day, no matter how small.
Here are some ideas:
- Go for a walk. Movement of your body and fresh air can change your mood in minutes. You can listen to a podcast or talk to a friend if you don’t want to be alone with your thoughts.
- Do something you enjoy, such as reading, taking a dance class, gardening, or doing a piece of art.
- Newspaper. Put it all down on paper and you might feel a little lighter.
- Go to the water. Immersing yourself in water can be a huge mood changer whether it’s a river, ocean or your bath.
Seek Mental Health Support
Breakups can cause or exacerbate underlying mental health issues, so it’s important to be kind to your mental health at this time.
A mental health provider can help you reframe your breakup, change your beliefs or ideas about relationships, and give you practical tools to start feeling like yourself again.
Whether you already have a therapist or need to find one, this is a great time to refocus on yourself and take a deep look at patterns that may be holding you back.
What to do for a friend going through a breakup
If you have a dear friend or loved one going through a breakup, rallying behind them can make all the difference in their healing process. Remember you can’t fix them, this is their healing journey to go through, but you can make it a little easier with comfort and support.
Here are some ways to support your friend:
- Let them know you’re thinking of them. It could be as simple as “You are in my heart today, I hope you can find a moment of softness.”
- Give them space to process without pressuring them. “I’m always here if you want to talk about it, but there’s no pressure.”
- Distract them. It’s easy to lose yourself and your sense of joy in a breakup. Remind them of who they are outside of their relationship with some quality entertainment or a funny reality show.
- Ask them! It may be difficult for them to express their needs, but you can simply ask “How can I support you right now?”
You will get over that
Whether it’s you or a loved one going through a breakup, we know how difficult it can be. Like an injury, the heart can take time to heal. But we promise it will happen eventually. Know that there is more love, joy, pleasure and connection on the other side of this.
