The asexual-aromatic spectrum is vast and can be very scary at times. The realization that my sexuality fit somewhere on that spectrum was a gradual fudge with a loud pop. it was nondescript. So many of my friends at the time were becoming interested in people and I just didn’t get the appeal. When I was in year 9, I decided I must be bi because what I felt about girls was exactly the same feeling I felt about boys – except I didn’t really feel anything. I thought it would take time to grow, to change, as it did for all my friends.
That year, I got my first boyfriend. We became fast friends and decided to give it a go, why, why not? The easiest way to describe it was that it was cool. That was all. beautiful. Whenever we kissed, I didn’t feel much of anything, and if I did it was just the constant thought of “Am I doing it right?” Or ‘Is he enjoying this?’ Because to me it was just another trick in the book that I was trying to perfect, and it never seemed as important to me as it did to other people.
I decided to test the theory that maybe you just need to find someone right for you.
It took a lot of energy and a lot of first kisses to decide that no, it’s not about the right person, if the right person isn’t me. I love rom coms and all things swashbuckling romance so it hurt when I slowly started to realize that maybe, I wasn’t going to get that kind of happy ending. It made me withdraw from people for a while, until I realized that by doing this I was not only hurting myself, but also my friends, the ones who were supposed to be the most important people in my life.
I’ve had some time to process things and I’ve learned not to be ashamed of being on the asexual spectrum because there’s no reason for me to be.
A lot of people don’t understand how I feel, and that’s okay because it’s not their normal, it’s mine. I’m the only one who needs to learn how to be comfortable in it. The happy ending I always imagined, finding someone who just suitable with is not realistic at all. Not just for me but for everyone, whether on the spectrum or not. Relationships are messy, all types of relationships, but that’s what makes them so special. I often say that the love I might have had for a romantic partner in another life is now reserved for my friends.
But perhaps this idea of a happy ending for some hasn’t been completely left in the dust. My way is just one way out of many to express my sexuality. Many people settle in different ways. For example: a platonic life partner. This is someone you choose to spend your life with. This doesn’t mean you have to follow a traditional route. get married, have children, grow old. It just means that you chose that person to be your face. To spend your life with them, to seek comfort from them. And if you decide to have children with them, then have children with them. If you decide to get married, you get married. No pressure to be sexually, or even romantically, interested in them. Every relationship is unique and you both need to nurture that and put effort into it, in whatever way you see fit. It doesn’t have to make sense to others, as long as it makes sense to you.
Many people also think that being on the asexual scent spectrum means you don’t have sex, which is actually not true.
As I said before, the range is very wide. Someone on the spectrum can range from sexually repulsed to simply indifferent. Some aces still have sex, for various reasons. This is when the importance of self-care comes into play. Sex can be very vulnerable and requires a bit of self-control. In advance some checks can be; Feeling pressured? Are you comfortable with how things are going? Are you staying safe? You are allowed to change your mind. And then it would be; How do I feel? How would I like to take care of myself? Do I want to leave or stay a while? Sex will always be different for us, and that’s okay as long as we take care of ourselves.
Sometimes, there are still days when I wish I could fit the cis-het norm and I end up pushing my own boundaries. I date people I’m not interested in or do useless searches to “prove” my sexuality. Taking a step back from everything, even the fact that my sexuality works differently than most public narratives, can be very difficult and mentally draining. I am still figuring out the depths of my sexuality and will be for the rest of my life. But no matter where on the spectrum I identify, I know there is a community behind me and people I can talk to who are going through similar situations. That’s what really pushes me forward and stops me from overthinking. Most people’s stories are not the same, but we all draw strength from each other.
The community is also there for you if you ever want to talk to someone who might have been in your shoes or learn something new.
Whether you’re just starting to discover the aro-ace spectrum or have been looking for a while, just know that there will always be someone around you to talk to.
