During my first sexual experiences, it took me some time to realize that almost everything my partner and I experimented came directly from the porn he was watching.
At 14, my understanding of sex and intimacy was extremely limited. My previous relationship had never gone more than a quick kiss or holding hands, and I was absolutely happy with it. So when I started dating another boy in my time, the shift felt intense.
My knowledge of sex and sexual intercourse comes mainly from the short sexual education sessions we had at school. The focus was largely in sexually transmitted infections, with little explanation of how they are really affiliated. At home, my parents and I never had a “birds and the bee discussion, and I doubt that I thought I would need it at that age. Therefore, my main source of information was my peers and my partner, who were both too open to watch pornography online.
The first time my partner came to my house did not feel different from the date of any boy before. It wasn’t until he got up to leave when he slipped his hands under my pants while kissing me. I remember him pulling fast and he didn’t go further. The next day, however, his friend told me he hadn’t done more because “he didn’t expect to be so hairy down there.” I was noisy and shaved of all my pubic hair as soon as I got home.
This feeling of shame stayed with me throughout our relationship. I allowed him to guide us into oral sex and other sexual intercourse because I thought he understood sex better than I did.
All the “knowledge” he had come from his friends and the porn they were watching. Our sex education was so poor that it is difficult to imagine where they could have learned about sex. At that time, porn was easy to access websites such as Pornhub, long before the recent increase in the explicit content of social media. It feels like just now, ten years later, people begin to observe problems with pornography and influence, but these issues started as soon as people could share clear images online for free.
As soon as we shaved, it didn’t take long for us to join oral sex, copying the videos he had seen. He didn’t stop there: he often sent very explicit text messages that describe the porn scenes he wanted to try. Looking back, I realize that I wasn’t completely comfortable with everything we did. I worry that if I said no, the relationship would be over and I didn’t want that.
At that time, I was also vulnerable. My grandfather died of cancer and is dealing with such a subject that made me look for comfort outside my family. I was desperate not to lose that sense of support.
Another challenge in understanding the consent and maintenance of the relationship was the pressure of the peer. In my year at school, everyone shared everything. There was no privacy. I felt like people comparing notes of their sexual experiences and pornography they were watching.
The classmates I just knew asked if the rumors of me were true and pushed me to describe what had happened. A boy even told me that if I got bored of my partner, it would be happy to “show me a good time”. My attention gave me a strange sense of the situation, but I also felt ashamed and disgusted that everyone seemed to know what I was doing. I was afraid that my parents or family could learn.
Eventually, I began to avoid my partner. I will not meet him out of school and make excuses to spend time with my family whenever he tried to make plans. I told him that I wouldn’t have penetrating sex until much later in the relationship, which I think surprised him because until that point I had just gone with what I thought was normal.
Eventually he broke up with me because I was no longer spending time with him. Honestly, I was relieved.
I don’t blame him. We were both failed by the lack of appropriate sexual education at school.
I don’t think any of us really understood the consent or what a healthy sexual relationship should look like. To my knowledge, his only reference points were pornography and what his friends said. My ideas for sex came exclusively from him and what our peers did.
I believe that good sexual education is vital to prevent young people from relying on pornography and social media for information. By teaching consent and open, honest sex conversations, we can reduce misinformation and help delay the experiences that young people may not be ready.
I hope my sexual education was better and that my first experiences were not so strongly affected by pornography. However, without this trip, I may not work with Brook today.
