Food can be many things. It can be nourishing or comforting, a source of pleasure or the focal point of a holiday feast. It can also be a catalyst for uncomfortable feelings when someone at Christmas dinner or the office holiday party tries to push you food you’re not hungry for or just don’t want to eat.
Some food pushers are just trying to be a good host. Others seek validation of their culinary magic. Still others see sharing food as an expression of love and care — sometimes to the extent that they interpret the refusal of their food as a rejection of their love or friendship. Unfortunately, some food pushers have conflicted relationships with food and can only feel “OK” about having dessert, a second helping, or another glass of wine if others do too.
As we continue into the winter holidays, setting and defending your dietary boundaries firmly, but kindly, is a skill worth cultivating. I personally take my cues from the wisdom of Evelyn Tribole, co-author of “Intuitive Eating,” who created an Intuitive Eater’s Holiday Bill of Rights, including four points related to food pushers:
- You have the right to honor your fullness, even if it means saying “No thanks” to dessert or a second helping of food.
- It’s not your responsibility to make someone happy by overeating, even if it took hours to prepare a special holiday dish.
- You have the right to say “No thanks”, without explanation, when you are offered more food.
- You have the right to stick to your initial answer of “No” even if you are asked multiple times. Just calmly and politely repeat, “No, thank you, really.”
Dealing with food pushers with grace
Fortunately, it is possible to deal with food pushers without stepping on toes. I like the strategy of starting with a compliment and ending with a diversion, such as “This looks delicious. I’m not hungry right now, but I’ll be later” (useful at an office party) or “The food was so delicious… I literally couldn’t take another bite” (useful at a sit-down meal). If necessary, nicely but firmly add a, “No, really… I just couldn’t fully appreciate it right now.”
What if you really want to try dessert, but you know it will leave you feeling uncomfortably full? Ask if you can take a portion home to enjoy the next day.
One strategy I don’t recommend? Saying, “I’m sorry, but I’m on a diet.” Not only are diet discussions unpleasant—especially at the holiday table—but the pusher may feel like you’re calling their food unhealthy or judging them for preparing and eating it. They may push even harder with lines like, “Come on, you gotta have fun sometimes.” As if this is your only chance to enjoy food or life. Either way, feeling overly full can dampen the enjoyment of an otherwise enjoyable meal.
Another strategy to avoid? Pretend you have a food allergy. You run the risk of being caught out someday (“I thought you said you were allergic to chocolate.”), which makes it harder for those with real food allergies to be believed.
That said, if you have to avoid nuts because of an allergy or those wheat dinner rolls because you have celiac disease, say so! You might need to do some quick cross-contamination training.
At a small company I worked for years ago, one of my coworkers had a severe nut allergy. When the boss brought in a tray of layer cookies and proudly told my co-worker that he only put nuts in half tray, made things weird for my colleague, but her health depended on me explaining why any nuts anywhere on that tray could possibly expose her to allergens that could cause anaphylactic shock.
Because rehearsal can be helpful
If you tend to like people, it can help to repeat what you’re going to say ahead of time. This is especially important if you have a food allergy or intolerance such as celiac disease.
It’s also important if you’re dealing with known food pushers and in the past you’ve found yourself giving in or just not handling things very gracefully.
I usually don’t recommend putting a lot of mental effort into trying to predict future situations and conversations that may never happen — or at least not happen the way we imagine them. However, if you’ve had a hard time saying “no” and meaning it in certain situations or with certain people, it can be helpful to rehearse what you’ll say in response to “eat this!” entire ones you think you’re likely to encounter.
It can also be helpful to mentally rehearse how you want to feel at the end of the dinner, party, or whatever form the food-related event takes. Do you want to feel comfortably full and happy that you made food choices that were satisfying, or do you want to feel uncomfortable and disappointed that you ate food that you just didn’t like?
It takes some practice to say no to good eating intentions, but stick with it. Setting boundaries is a form of self-care, a way to make sure your needs are met. When you learn how to honor your needs—food-related or otherwise—while respecting the feelings of others, everyone wins.
Carrie Dennett, MPH, RDN, is a registered dietitian nutritionist based in the Pacific Northwest, journalistintuitive nutrition consultant, authorand speaker. Her superpowers include; debunking nutritional myths and empowerment of women and men feel better about their bodies and make food choices that support pleasure, nutrition and health. This post is for informational purposes only and does not constitute personalized nutrition or medical advice.
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