Everyone was there. They invite you to something you don’t want to attend – a holiday party, a family cookout, an expensive trip. But doubts and worries creep into your head as you weigh whether to say no.
You may be wondering if you will upset the person who invited you. Maybe it will damage the friendship or they won’t invite to the next meeting.
Should you grit your teeth and walk away? Or do you worry more than you should about saying “no”?
A fantastic faux pas
We explored these questions in a recently published study.
In a pilot study we conducted prior to the main studies, we found that 77% of our 51 respondents had accepted an invitation to an event they did not want to attend for fear of rejection. They worried that saying no might upset, anger, or sad the person who invited them. They also worried that they would not be invited to street events and that their own invitations would be rejected.
We then conducted a series of studies in which we asked some people to imagine declining an invitation and then report their assumptions about how the person making the invitation would feel. We asked other participants to imagine that someone had declined invitations they had extended themselves. We then asked them how they felt about the rejection.
We ended up finding quite the mismatch. People tend to assume that others will react badly when an invitation is not accepted. But they are relatively unaffected when someone declines an invitation they have extended.
In fact, the people who extended invitations were much more understanding – and less upset, angry or sad – than the invitees expected. They also said they are unlikely to let a declined invitation prevent them from offering or accepting invitations in the future.
We found that the asymmetry between people who extended and received invitations occurred regardless of whether it was two friends, a new couple, or two people who had been in a relationship for a long time.
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Why is this happening;
Our findings suggest that when someone declines an invitation, they believe that the person who invited them will focus on the cold, hard rejection. But in reality, the person extending the invitation is more likely to focus on the thoughts and conversations that were going through the head of the person who declined. They will tend to assume that the invitee has given due consideration to the prospect of acceptance, and this generally leaves them less annoyed than one might expect.
Interestingly, while our research looked at invitations to fun events – dinners at restaurants with a visiting celebrity chef and trips to quirky museum exhibits – other studies have found that the same pattern occurs when someone is asked to do a favor and refuses.
Even with these less pleasant requests, people overestimate the negative consequences of saying no.
Lay the groundwork for future invitations
There are a few things you can do to make things easier on yourself as you struggle to decline an invitation.
First, imagine that you are the one who extended the invitation. Our research shows that people are less likely to overestimate the negative consequences of declining an invitation after imagining how they would feel if someone declined their invitation.
Second, if money is the reason you’re considering a dinner or a trip, share that with the person who invited you – as long as you’re comfortable doing so, of course. Another investigation found that people are particularly understanding when people cite finances as the cause of their downfall.
Third, consider the “no but” strategy. recommended by some therapists. Decline the invitation, but offer to do something else with the person who invited you.
With this method, you make it clear to the person who invited you that you are not rejecting them. rather, you reduce the activity. A bonus with this strategy is that you get the chance to suggest doing something you really want to do.
Of course, there’s a caveat to all of this: If you decline every invitation sent your way, at some point they’ll probably stop coming.
But assuming you’re not a habitual naysayer, don’t beat yourself up if you end up turning down an invitation every now and then. Chances are, the person who invited you will be less bothered than you think.
