A key component of a sexual relationship is the physical element of intimacy, however, this is not always possible due to physical distance if partners live far from each other. Technological advancements in recent decades may have made it easier for people to be in long distance relationships (LDRs). It has been found that 58% of LDRs are successful and most of the time, factors such as communication, jealousy and trust determine the success rates of LDRs (Schmall, 2018). However, do the cons of LDRs outweigh the pros? Are LDRs really that hard? This blog will explore the many elements of LDRs, as well as weigh the benefits and risk factors of LDRs, and conclude by providing you with some helpful tips if you’re planning to pursue an LDR yourself.
What constitutes an LDR?
An LDR occurs when partners wish to continue a close relationship but are separated by “geographical distance” for significant periods of time (Greenberg & Neustaedter, 2012). In the modern world, LDRs are very common and can occur due to certain factors that make living in close proximity difficult or impossible. A common reason is someone’s job, which can force couples to live apart if they can’t find work in the same city. This is often the case for military couples and professional athletes who must travel for work on a regular basis (Greenberg & Neustaedter, 2012). Another common cause of LDRs is attending school in a different location than the partner. It has been reported that approximately 75% of college students reported being in an LDR at some point (Greenberg & Neustaedter, 2012; Roberts & Pistole, 2009).
How do couples in LDRs stay in touch?
Couples in LDRs need to communicate with each other through various mediums, such as electronically, as this medium is often the easiest and most accessible way to talk on a daily basis. It has been found that, on average, long-distance couples send each other 343 messages per week and spend 8 hours per week talking on the phone or via video chat such as FaceTime, Skype, or Google Duo (Schmall, 2018). However, seeing your partner through a screen doesn’t always provide the same satisfaction as being with them in person. A survey examining long-distance couples’ thoughts on LDRs found that 66% of long-distance couples said the lack of physical intimacy was the hardest part of navigating being in an LDR (Schmall, 2018). About a third (31%) reported that sex was what they missed the most (Schmall, 2018).
Some may think that sexual commitment is impossible in an LDR, and while that is true physically, it can be done virtually. Technology has allowed LDRs to have all the same qualities that the average relationship would have, in that the “dirty talk” can be done over the phone or by “sexting” their partner to turn them on or just for fun. Long-distance couples can also choose to engage in masturbation or self-pleasure via video chat to engage sexually in real time (Peters, 2022). Despite these possibilities, there are still some limitations that can be placed on video chats, including contextual factors such as the different time zones people may live in, technical factors such as video quality or difficulties Wi-Fi and personal factors, such as a lack of desire to engage in virtual sexual acts with their partner (Greenberg & Neustaedter, 2012).
Benefits of LDRs
While there are many downsides to not being close to one’s partner, there are also many positives that can come from distance. Initially, for some individuals, LDRs provide them with autonomy and independence (Sahlstein, 2004). LDRs are beneficial to couples in the sense that each person could have a sense of freedom that they would not otherwise have if their partner lived near them (Sahlstein, 2004). LDRs then force couples to move away from the physical intimacy component of the relationship and instead focus on the emotional side of their connection. LDRs promote effective communication and trust building between couples which helps the relationship run more smoothly as issues are more likely to be discussed rather than ignored (Cruz, 2022). In addition, LDRs allow people to build trust knowing that their partner is so committed to them that they are willing to break up and stay true to them by calling often and choosing to continue the relationship long distance. Similar to significant gains in emotional intimacy, LDRs allow for an increase in appreciation for time spent together between couples (Cruz, 2022). For some, absence makes the heart grow fonder if you focus on the quality of the relationship over the time you spend together.
Disadvantages of LDRs
You may now be convinced that LDRs are entirely possible and even recommended in some cases because of the emotional bond that is created. However, Uncertainty Management Theory, which “outlines the processes through which individuals cope with health-related uncertainty,” states that college-aged individuals in LDRs may experience uncertainty about the future of their LDR and they may spend a significant amount of time communicating with their partner, which may result in them not leaving enough time for academics or peer relationships (Waterman et al., 2017; Rains & Tukachinsky, 2015).
Despite the anticipation and excitement that comes with reuniting with a partner, the time between these visits can be difficult mentally and emotionally. Being in an LDR has been associated with feelings of loneliness, psychological distress, and relationship uncertainty (Waterman et al., 2017; Somani, 2022). As is sometimes the case, unfortunately, couples in LDRs have no “end goal” or finish line. This can exacerbate the issue of distance and make it feel like the separation may never end, increasing feelings of depression and a sense of worry about the future (Burns, 2021).
Each partner’s individual attachment style also affects how they will behave and feel in an LDR. For individuals suffering from high attachment anxiety, characterized by a desire to maintain attachment closeness due to “anxiety about the partner’s accessibility,” the prolonged separation common in LDRs can place significant strain on both partners and may split these months. they feel even more and more painful (Roberts & Pistole, 2009).
Satisfying love languages in LDRs
Have you ever heard of the five love languages? These include words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical contact. You might wonder how couples who score higher in the quality time category can be content in an LDR if they can’t be close to their partner as much as they’d like. One way to spend some special quality time with a long-distance partner is to plan a date and dress like you’re going out for the night! Ordering dinner and eating via FaceTime can have a similar effect to actually being at a restaurant and enjoying a meal together. Another idea is to go for a walk together (but separately) and describe what you see to each other so you feel like you are there with each other (Burns, 2021). Thanks to Netflix Party, couples can now watch movies in sync and chat at the same time. Activities like these show the other person that you care about them and they both want to make an effort to invest time in the relationship.
COVID, Dating Apps and LDRs
When the COVID-19 pandemic hit in March 2020, everyone around the world was told to limit their contact with others to prevent the spread of the disease. Because of these restrictions on social contact, many have used dating apps to meet others around the world they can connect with to feel less alone and possibly meet a partner with whom they can get through the struggles of the pandemic. A well-known dating app, OkCupid, saw an 83% increase in users setting their location preferences to “anywhere” during the pandemic (Burns, 2021). Another dating site, Match, found that 51% of its users were more open to an LDR when the pandemic hit than in previous years (Burns, 2021). One person with LDR experience said, “In normal times, I think the challenges of long-distance dating might have prevented us from deciding to give it a try. […] Basically every other aspect of life is virtual right now anyway. It doesn’t seem like a big deal to only communicate via FaceTime” (Burns, 2021).
Some helpful tips to promote success in an LDR
If you’ve been on the fence about an LDR with that special someone, here are some tips that could help make life a little easier if you decide to give it a go. First, you and your partner should set clear expectations for each other and make a schedule of when you will set aside some time each week to talk (Burns, 2021). The key to making LDRs work is effective communication on both sides, which means that each partner must keep the other informed of any issues that might prevent them from responding at one point or another, such as due to time zone differences .
LDRs can work!
Overall, LDRs certainly have their share of obstacles, however, there are many ways to overcome these obstacles and develop and maintain a strong relationship regardless of physical distance. Effective communication with partners is key to LDRs, and scheduling weekly times to call and go on virtual dates will make the time go by much faster. Hang in there, this reunion will happen before you know it!
Samantha Kendall (She/Her), Queen’s University, Psychology And French (BAH), Fourth Year.
bibliographical references
Burns, Holly. (2021). Can a long-distance relationship work in a pandemic? The New York Times.
Neustaedter, C., & Greenberg, S. (2012). Intimacy in long-distance relationships through video chat. Proceedings of the SIGCHI Conference on Human Factors in Computing Systems (pp. 753-762).
Peters, Adaobi. (2022). Phone Sex: Long Distance Relationships in the Digital Age. A true Envogue.
Rains, SA, & Tukachinsky, R. (2015). Information seeking in uncertainty management theory: exposure to information about medical uncertainty and information processing orientation as predictors of uncertainty management success. Journal of Health Communication, 20(11), 1275-1286.
Roberts, A., & Pistole, MC (2009). Long-distance and close romantic relationship satisfaction: Predictors of attachment and closeness. Journal of College Counseling, 12(1), 5-17.
Schmall, Tyler. (2018). Long distance relationships are more successful than you think. New York Post.
Somani, Pranjul. (2022). Long Distance Relationship – Challenges, Effects & Tips to Make It Work – Complete Guide. Ichars Creates Change (Unconsciously).
Waterman, EA, Wesche, R., Leavitt, CE, Jones, DE, & Lefkowitz, ES (2017). Long-distance dating relationships, relationship dissolution, and adjustment to college. Emerging adulthood, 5(4), 268-279.
