The Asexual-Armic spectrum is huge and can sometimes be very scary. Realizing my sexuality fits somewhere along this spectrum was a gradual fizz with a strong pop. Were nondescript. So many of my friends at that time are interested in people and I just didn’t call. When I was in the 9th year, I decided that I had to be bi because what I felt about girls was exactly the same feeling I felt for kids – except that I feel nothing. I thought it would take time to grow, change, as well as for all my friends.
That year, I got my first friend. We quickly became close friends and decided to give it because, well, why couldn’t we? The easiest way to describe it was that it was nice. That was all. beautiful. Every time I kissed, I didn’t feel much, and if I did it then it was only the constant thought of “Do I do that right?” Or ‘enjoy this?’ Because for me it was just another trick in the book I was trying to refine and never looked like one thing for me like other people.
I decided to try the theory that you might just find someone right for you.
It took a lot of energy and a lot of first kisses to decide that no, this is not the right person if the right person is not me. I love rom coms and all things cringy romance and so it hurt when I started slowly realizing that maybe, I wouldn’t do this kind of happy finish. It made me close from people for a while, until I realized that by doing this not only I hurt myself, but also my friends, those who were intended to be the most important people in my life.
I had some time to process things and learned not to be ashamed that I am in the asexual spectrum because there is no reason to be.
Many people don’t understand how I feel, and that’s okay because it’s not normal, it’s mine. I am the only one who has to learn how to feel comfortable in it. The happy end I always imagined, finding someone who just suitable It is not realistic at all. Not only for me but for everyone, in the spectrum or not. Relationships are messy, all Types of relationships, but that makes them so special. I often say that the love I could keep for a romantic partner in another life is now set to my friends.
But perhaps this concept of a happy ending for some is not completely left in dust. My way is just one way of many to express my sexuality. Many people settle in different ways. For example: a Platonic life partner. This is someone you choose to spend your life. This does not mean that you have to get off a traditional route. You get married, you have kids, you get older. It just means that you have chosen this person to be your face. To spend your life with, look for comfort from them. And if you decide to have children with them, then you have children with them. If you decide to get married, get married. Without pressure being sexual, or even romantic, they are interested in them. Each relationship is unique and this is for both of you to cultivate and make effort, in any way it seems appropriate. It does not have to make sense for others, as long as it makes sense to you.
Many people also believe that if you are in the asexual aromatic spectrum means you have no sex, which is not true.
As I said before, the spectrum is very huge. Someone in the spectrum can range from gender-repelled to simply indifferent. Some people Aro-Ace still have sex for a variety of reasons. This happens when the importance of self-care plays a vital role. Sex can be very vulnerable and requires some control with yourself. Previously there may be some checks. Do you feel pressured? Are you comfortable with how things go? Stay safe? You are allowed to change your mind. And then would it be; How do I feel? How would I like to take care of myself? I want to leave or stay a little? Sex will always be different for us, and that is ok as we take care of ourselves.
Sometimes, there are still days that I wish I could fit the cis-ha standings and end up pushing my own limits. Going to dates with people who don’t care or go to useless aspirations to “prove” my sexuality. By taking a step behind everything and even the fact that my sexuality works differently from most public narratives can be truly difficult and mental drainage. I still count on the depths of my sexuality and I will be for the rest of my life. But no matter where in the spectrum I find, I know there is a community behind me and people I can talk to, who deal with similar situations. It’s what really pushes me forward and stops me thinking too much. Most people’s stories are not the same, but we all still gain power from each other.
The community is there for you, if you ever want to talk to someone who might have been in your shoes or learn something new.
Whether you started counting the Aro-Ace spectrum, or you’ve looked at it for a while, you just know that there will always be someone around you can talk.
