Do they want to go slow or are they demisexual? Here’s how to say it
Dating comes with many challenges. But for those who identify as demisexual, there are a few extra layers to navigate — particularly when trying to explain their position to those unfamiliar with the term.
“A demisexual is usually defined as someone who is not interested in sex except in the context of a strong emotional connection or bond,” explains the sexologist. Carol Queen.
“Since this is very common among people who have been raised with traditional values (‘no sex until marriage’ could be a version of this), he says, people may think of demisexuals as espousing conservative views or as ‘wise ” when they are just people who function differently.
According to Queen, the demisexual identity puts less emphasis on sex in general—unless there’s a relationship with someone who really turns her on.
But try telling that to someone you’ve been on a few dates with and things can get awkward. Not to mention, spending time forging a connection only to find out that this person isn’t actually someone you’re sexually attracted to despite the bond you’ve formed adds even more time to the process and can mean confusion and for both parties involved.
RELATED: What does it mean to be asexual?
What else should you look out for when it comes to asexuality? Here’s everything you need to know about demisexuals — from how they view their relationships to where they fall on the asexual spectrum and tips for navigating the dating scene if you identify that way (or see someone who does) .
Demisexuals and stimulation
Stimulation, as most of us know it, is usually visually driven. Whether it’s fantasizing over that naked woman you sat across from on the train during your commute or watching your favorite porn movie, the process of getting turned on is usually a spectacle-driven experience.
But not for demisexuals either. Because of this, David Ezell, its clinical director Darien Wellness says there are fewer demisexual men than women.
“It’s rare in men because men, with those few exceptions, are visually stimulated,” she explains. “For example, pornography (other than written forms) exploits the visual arousal of men. Most males see something they are attracted to and feel the need to chase that object. the power of images drives them.”
But Ezell says demisexuals don’t experience the world that way.
“Although they can recognize visual attraction, it is not the basis of arousal,” he explains. “The arousal for them comes as they become more intimate and share experiences and intimacies with a person.”
This may be new news to you guys, but the process of connection-based arousal is very much in line with how women experience it.
“While women experience visual stimulation, it’s not as important to them as emotional connection,” she says.
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Demisexual on the Asexual spectrum
Those who identify as demisexual fall on the asexual spectrum—but unlike asexual people, demisexuals are capable of feeling significant sexual attraction, in certain contexts.
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“The main issue with people on the asexual spectrum can be the fact that many people don’t understand them or see asexuality as normal,” explains Queen. “So if they’re longing for a sexual connection, it’s mostly because they want to fit in, especially in the world of dating and socializing, rather than because they really want sex. And of course the rise of the ‘ace’ community means there’s more support for not fitting in that way.”
Both demisexuals and asexuals still want companionship. But while those on the asexual spectrum are able to identify a partner for said companionship based on a number of other personality factors, demisexuals still have the question of when and if a sexual connection will occur when considering potential partners.
“The biggest dating problem for a demisexual can be navigating this question of sexual desire,” says Queen, “When/if, and with whom, and under what circumstances.”
Also, the way demisexuals seek out these potential mates differs from the norm.
“Many [demisexuals] Don’t actually date, but rather become close to someone in their circle,” says Queen. “This can be a shared experience, even a strategy. And of course, many people who date don’t have sex right away, or maybe never, which can be a strategy for a demisexual person trying relationships with others—similar to a non-demi person who’s just being extra picky about who will have sex with me.”
If you are dating a demisexual
If you’re dating someone who identifies as demisexual, Ezell says the first thing you should do is forget how you normally expect the trajectory of the dating process to be.
“Change your expectations about timelines,” he says. “Connection is what drives [demisexuals]and that’s happening on a slower timeline.”
This can be a tough pill to swallow, especially if you’re not the patient type. But cultivating a connection with a demisexual based on time and experience together is the only path to dating success.
RELATED: Are you thinking about breaking up because of sex? Try this first
Step two to dating someone who is demisexual? If you’re used to being in relationships that immediately get physical, or you use that as a basis to feel wanted and safe in a relationship, you need to check your ego at the door.
However, if you are a very sexual person who will feel shut out and frustrated by not having sex for a long time, making you feel less wanted or cared about, after all, you and a demisexual person may not be right for each other.
If you are demisexual
Queen says the most beneficial thing demisexuals can do for themselves when looking for a partner is to be clear about their identity. “I would always advocate for the demisexual person to be up front and communicate about things in the dating world,” she says.
“Particularly because they might find themselves dating someone who’s in it for the sexual potential and maybe not the intimacy!” It can be awkward to take sex off the table right off the bat — and it’s not exactly the kind of light first date conversation you’d ideally like to have.
But Queen points out that the sooner you figure out what’s on the agenda for your potential match, the better off you’ll both be.
“This is a way for the demisexual person to prioritize people who, if they bond, will accept them and treat them well,” says Queen.
Because of gender expectations and biases around attraction and arousal, demisexual men may have more skin in the game, according to Ezell, because when they’re attracted to a partner, that’s a person who matters.
“If the man is the demisexual partner, sharing experiences will mean a lot to him,” she says. “Men bond with people with whom they share experiences far more than women bond with shared affinities.”
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