I mentioned self-esteem petals, the activity in this blog post, in my last post on exercises to improve body image, so I thought this post could use a quick refresh and repost. If you are someone who enjoys art as part of your therapy, I think you will enjoy this exercise. If you are a clinician, this is also great to do with your clients, either in session or as homework.
If someone asked you to describe yourself in one sentence, what would you say? I think most people would come up with a list of personality traits, hobbies, occupation, passions, or describe themselves in relation to others (eg parent, spouse, child, etc.).
Now, how would you describe someone you love? My guess is that you would have even nicer things to say, since we all tend to be much nicer to others than to ourselves. You’ll likely share a long list of qualities you appreciate about your loved one and things that make them the only person you care deeply about.
If I could read your thoughts as you share these descriptions, I would probably learn a lot about you and your loved one. But one thing I probably wouldn’t know is body size, neither yours nor theirs. This is because somewhere inside, we know that who we are as a human being is So much more than the number on the scale.
However, it doesn’t always feel that way. In my practice, I work with men and women who have deeply internalized their size as part of their identity, usually unconsciously. Although it may not be on the list of characteristics of how they describe themselves, their weight takes up a large part of their worth.
For example, I work with clients in older bodies who have internalized the negative stereotypes society often presents them with. I can’t tell you how many smart, successful, and hardworking people I’ve worked with over the years who think of themselves as lazy, as this is a false stereotype associated with greater burdens. When you look at what they have achieved in life, they are anything but lazy! But society has told them over and over again that they don’t do enough, and basically leads them to believe that it’s true—that they don’t deserve good things in life because they’re in a bigger body.
Likewise, I’ve worked with people in smaller bodies, especially women, who have received so much “positive” feedback about their thinness over any other feature or achievement that their body becomes the main thing that supports their worth. It stands to reason that any change in their body size (large or small), or simply a fear Losing his thinness becomes an attack on his identity and self-worth.
Unfortunately, the reality is that we live in a world that places more value on smaller bodies—the belief that your worth is wrapped up in your body size isn’t something you personally came up with on your own. The fight against fat is insidious in our society, and while it affects some more than others, it affects us all. If you’re like most of the people I work with, that social value is not a personal value, and just because a segment of society might feel a certain way doesn’t mean you have to adopt that line of thinking.
None of this is to say that one’s body should play no part in our self-identity. Your body often dictates your experiences in the world (especially if you’re in a marginalized body), and experiences shape who you are as a person. It is impossible to separate the two.
What your body should have no part in is yours self esteem. What you are is much more than a body. Since your body will almost certainly change throughout your life, it doesn’t really seem like a smart idea to wrap your worth in it!
An activity to build self-esteem
One thing we work on with clients is helping them cultivate stronger and more resilient self-esteem and an identity outside of their body. An exercise with which I learned in individual supervision Evelyn Trimbol (one of the nutritionists who founded Intuitive Eating) is an activity called Petals of Self Worth. It’s really fun to do with my more creative clients, but if you’re missing the artistic part, feel free to use the images I’ve included in this blog post!
To complete this activity, first draw, paint or print a picture of a flower. Then write one quality you value about yourself that has nothing to do with your appearance on each of the petals. If this is difficult to do, think about the compliments you have received from others or ask for help from people you love. You could also view this list personality traits or that list of values for inspiration. Feel free to add more petals or if you want to leave some gaps and give it more thought, that’s fine too!
Have fun with this project and feel free to take it however you want! I’ve had clients draw petals where the colors or patterns inside represent traits – it’s so cool to see how people visually represent who they are! One of my clients used images of themselves throughout their lives, each representing characteristics of themselves, cutting and pasting images together to make flower petals. You could also cut out pictures from magazines and make a flower collage.
If you need an example, here’s a mini flower I made for myself. It may seem silly, but even a brief glance at it and I notice some joy and appreciation within my body.
