By Dr. Justin
Sexual Health
The state of sex education in the United States today leaves something to be desired. Only 28 states they require teenagers to have sex and just 18 require it to be medically accurate. In other words, many children do not receive sex education at all, and even for those who do, there is no guarantee that they will learn any real (or useful) information. The result is that many teenagers go to college without knowing what they really need to know about sex. So what should students know today? In this article, we’ll explore how college students’ sex lives have changed in recent years and discuss some key things they need to understand in order to have consensual, safe, and pleasurable experiences.
College Today: Less Sex, More Bending
It is well documented that young adults today are having less sex compared to previous generations. Specifically, what the data shows is that they are waiting a bit longer to start having sex, have fewer partners and don’t do it as often. However, the sex they are having is quite different in some ways and one of the key changes we are seeing is a widespread increase in kinky and BDSM activities. Younger adults engage in rougher sex in general. “Raw sex” is a term that obviously means different things to different people, but in surveys of young adults who were asked what it means to them, some of the most commonly endorsed items include things like choking, hitting, and being tied up. The fact that hard sex has become so prevalent in college populations points to the need for better education around three important things: consent, communication, and safety.
How to express your consent
Let’s talk about consent first because it is the basic starting point for any sexual intercourse. There are many different definitions and models of sexual consent out there, with affirmative consent and enthusiastic consent being among the most popular. These models represent the ideal because they aim to ensure that consent is communicated in ways that are clear and unambiguous. However, they do not reflect the reality of how most consent is communicated. Research finds that most young adults tend to rely more on non-verbal cues and indicators of consent, which is where things can get murky. Relying only on non-verbal consent can be problematic when having rough sex or sex with a new partner because, in the absence of clear boundaries, it becomes very easy to misinterpret signs of consent and let things get out of hand. comfort zone. So how can we help young adults feel more comfortable with verbal consent? One of the simplest ways to do this is to learn how to make consent sexy. One of the reasons people don’t always opt for verbal consent is because they worry that they will “break the mood” by saying something they find uncomfortable. However, giving consent does not need to sound clinical or like you are signing a legal contract (eg. “Is it okay if I do this and then this and then this?”). Consent can actually sound a lot like dirty talk if done right, and that can make it super hot. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to how to communicate consent in a sexy way, so focus on identifying questions, phrases, and techniques that feel natural and sexy to you. For example, you can kiss your partner’s neck and then whisper in their ear. You can say things like, “Do you like it when ____?” “Do you want to _____;” You can also say things that make your partner feel validated and wanted as a guide to asking for what they want next (eg. “You look so hot in that ____. Can I take it off?). For most people, being with someone who makes us feel wanted and attractive is a huge boost, so why not take advantage of that when communicating your consent?
Way of communication
When it comes to good sex, consent is the bare minimum. We need to move beyond that and communicate our boundaries and desires. We can’t expect our partners to read our minds and automatically know what we’re comfortable with and enjoy. Pre-negotiation is vital to safe and enjoyable experiences, especially when any aspect of rough sex is involved. Again, however, people often struggle with when and how to communicate this. An easy way to get the ball rolling is to try sexting. When it comes to sex, people often find it easier to type things out than to verbalize them face to face. It seems to take some of the pressure off, while also giving you more control over your words. Talking about your likes and dislikes, your fantasies and desires, and your yeses and noes in text isn’t just an effective form of clear communication — it can also be a way you plan your next meeting and start to build anticipation and excitement. Alternatively, you can look for natural opportunities to strike up a sexual conversation. For example, if you watch a movie or TV series together, it’s easy to use as a reference afterwards (eg “How did you like the scene where ____ happened?” the “It was so hot when _____. Is this something you would ever like to do/try?’). And even if what you see on the screen isn’t what either of you really wants to do, you can easily start a conversation about what you’d rather try and how you’d like to do it.
How to stay safe
Two important safety issues for young adults are safe sex practices (to protect against unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections) and risk reduction practices (to minimize the risk of harm or injury from rough sex). On the safer sex side, it is important to recognize and know that young adults are disproportionately burdened by both STDs and unintended pregnancies. If there is a possibility of pregnancy, it is important to use some form of contraception. There are dozens of methods available, from condoms to IUDs to birth control pills, patches and injections. The benefit of condoms is obviously that they offer both contraceptive and STD protective benefits. However, we know from research that young adults make many condom use mistakes that reduce their effectiveness, so it’s important to brush up on your condom use skills (here’s a handy primer from the CDC). Also, if pregnancy is a concern, consider using a backup method in case the condom breaks or isn’t used properly for added peace of mind. On the risk reduction side, if you engage in harsher sexual practices, it’s vital to educate yourself on less risky ways to explore those activities (I say “less risky” here because you can’t necessarily remove all the risks , but there’s a lot you can do to minimize the risk). For example, choking during sexual intercourse is very common among young adults, but can be very dangerous if precautions are not taken. People who choose to follow this behavior (after all parties have consented to it) can reduce the risk by avoiding the front of the neck (to reduce the risk of tracheal injury and avoid oxygen deprivation), applying only very light or gentle pressure, watching your partner during the act and having a safety word. Some may also consider engaging in symbolic choking, where the hand is placed under the neck at the collarbone. There are all kinds of ways to mimic the sensation without introducing a high level of risk.
Packed food
Many students are not equipped with the knowledge they need because of gaps in our sex education system. Consent, communication and safety are key areas to address when it comes to helping young adults maintain a healthy intimate life.
Bibliographical references:
Herbenick, D. et al. al. (2021). What is rough sex, who does it and who likes it? Findings from a probability sample of US undergraduates. Sexual Behavior Files.
Monto, MA, & Carey, AG (2014). A new pattern of sexual behavior? Are claims related to ‘hookup culture’ supported by General Social Survey data?. The Journal of Sex Research, 51(6), 605-615.
Lehmiller, JJ (2023). The Psychology of Human Sexuality (Third Edition). John Wiley & Sons.
