The hidden secret to becoming a sexually successful man

Part 1

I suspect there are many men reading this, and probably many women too, who would like to know the secret. I could go on and on and end up suggesting you buy my book, but I doubt you’d want to hear it in front and then read the details later. So there you go. The hidden secret to becoming a sexually successful man is Quiet Confidence (QC).

Most people will be surprised. They believe that sexually successful males are: movie star handsome, rich, powerful, strong, dominant, high achieving, persuasive, intelligent, charismatic, sex magnets for women (and men). Many believe that you must have at least one of these qualities and usually more than one to be sexually successful. I believe there is more to history and I started learning it at a young age.

I have been a counselor, coach and psychotherapist for over fifty years and have helped thousands of men and women learn how to become successful in their lives. But I learned the secret of sexual success early in life, when I was eight years old. I will be eighty this year and sexual success is different for men at different ages. But having QC is the magic we can start developing at any age. Here is my story. Others will have a different story about sexual success. You can decide if mine is useful for you.

I am an only child and my father left when I was five (if you are interested in this story, check out My Distant Dad: Healing the Wound of the Father of the Family. With my father gone, my mother had to look for work outside the home and I learned to take care of myself. I spent a lot of time outside, mostly climbing whatever trees I could find. My scared mother would invite me over for dinner, but it never dampened my confidence.

My one close friend was Caroline (her parents called her Sissy since she was the youngest of three daughters). She was also independent and adventurous and it was Sissy who introduced me to sex when we were eight. When we finally caught up, my mother tried to calm Caroline’s mother down by telling her that we were just “playing doctor” and examining each other’s genitalia. But the truth was that although we were both curious, Sissy was the one who took the lead and our sex had nothing to do with playing doctor. Our sex play was real and we both got our first taste of Quiet Confidence.

What I learned at age 8 from Sissy about QC:

1. Females are just as interested in sex as males and probably have a lot to teach us.
2. Be playful, respectful, and only do things that you both freely choose to do.

My next lesson in QC came when I was twelve years old when my mother took me to visit my grandmother in Texas. We went every year since I was six years old and I was always bored because I spent hours with adults and there were no kids in the neighborhood to play with. But this year was different and my grandmother had arranged for me to meet some other Jewish children my age.

It was a fun evening at the Jewish community center and we had refreshments, played games and met new people. I talked to one of the girls named Rachel and when she heard I was from California and lived in “North Hollywood” she saw me as some kind of celebrity (those who know where I grew up know that North Hollywood is a long way from the celebrity world of Tinseltown.)

Although there was adult supervision for this gathering of 12 to 14 year olds, we were left alone. When Rachel invited me to the Rabbi’s office, I thought my fun time was over and I would be subjected to some sort of religious admonition about the dangers of premature sexual experimentation.

Rachel’s smile promised something more. He led me by the hand into a dimly lit office. No Rabbis were present, just a few pairs of children who “stand out”, “touch and feel” and are clearly getting their own kind of education through sexual experimentation. I was ecstatic.

What I learned at age 12 from Rachel about QC:

1. Caring adults and communities can arrange for young teenagers to meet (pun intended) in safe places.
2. Sex-positive adults enable boys and girls to develop positive attitudes and practices about sex and gain confidence by doing what comes naturally.

I learned my next lesson in developed QC from Julia when I was 15 ½.

Growing up in southern California where teenagers went to play in the summer was the community pool. It was a great place to see each other with little clothing to hide our features. Playful touch was encouraged and what was happening underwater was… well, you can imagine.

Many boys wanted to play with Julia. She was very cute and I didn’t think I had a chance to touch her. He seemed way out of my league. She was a budding beauty and I was a short nerd with a big nose. But I found enough courage to talk to her. She told me she liked that I didn’t try to grab her, but she was obviously interested in her. She encouraged me to be more assertive with the girls I liked, and by the end of the summer, I was asking her out, having just gotten my student’s permit and being able to borrow my parent’s car.

In the privacy of our own room, aka my parent’s car, we shared our first sexual experience, “going all the way”.

What I learned at age 15 1/2 from Julia about QC:

1. Don’t grab. Be respectful. Be assertive.
2. Don’t assume someone you’re interested in is out of your league. It may take until the end of summer (or much longer) to believe it, but don’t give up.

Quietly gaining confidence does not guarantee success in all aspects of our lives. I married my college sweetheart when I was 23 and she was 19. We were married for ten years and had two wonderful children. But like many couples who married young, we drifted apart and eventually divorced. I went through a difficult time and felt deeply hurt in body, mind and spirit.

When I was thirty-three, I learned another lesson in Quiet Confidence from my friend, Steve. I got sick a lot after my divorce and all my life when I was sick there was a woman to take care of me. First, my mother, later a woman, but now there was no one. It never occurred to me to call another man and ask for care and attention, but in desperation I called Steve.

He came at once, sat with me, and spent a week coming regularly to nurse me back to health. She made me soup, cleaned my apartment and even gave me a massage. I had never been touched by another man since my father held me when I was a child. Just knowing that I wasn’t relying on women to take care of me opened up a whole new world for me.

What I learned at 33 from Steve about QC:

1. Men are not only capable of nurturing other men, they are essential to our long-term well-being.
2. Knowing that men are not dependent on women for their health and well-being allows men to appreciate their own abilities to love and care for themselves.

Like many, I eventually met someone and fell in love again, but I went through another marriage and divorce (see my website intro, Confessions of a Twice Divorced Marriage Counselor, to hear what I learned. My second marriage had become more dysfunctional and violent and I was in danger of doing something destructive that I knew I would regret. When I saw a notice for a men’s event with psychologist Dr. Herb Goldberg, author of the book, The Hazards of Being Male: Surviving the Myth of Masculine Privilege, I was intrigued.

The event was powerful as fifty men came together for a day to hear from an expert and more importantly share our own experiences of our trauma as men. Even in one day we began to open up and trust other men to help us heal. After the event, one of the organizers invited those in attendance who were interested in forming a men’s group to meet at his home in Mill Valley.

The Men’s group formed has been meeting regularly for 44 years. We have become a family of brothers from other mothers. Over the years, three members left, three were added. Three have passed away and the rest of us continue to meet regularly. Now I’m the oldest of the bunch. I will be turning 80 this month.

My wife, Carlin, says the reason she thinks we’ve had a successful marriage of 44 years is because I’ve been in a men’s group for 45 years. He tells me that he appreciates, among other things, my quiet confidence.

What I learned in my 80s from my group of men about QC:

1. Joining a men’s group may be the most important thing a man can do if he wants to be successful in life.
2. Learning to appreciate the gifts we can give and receive from men in a men’s group gives us confidence that we will never develop by finding our intimate relationships only with women.

So to summarize what I’ve learned about the hidden secret to becoming a sexually successful man by increasing Calm Confidence (QC):

1. Females are just as interested in sex as males and probably have a lot to teach us.
2. Be playful, respectful, and only do things that you both freely choose to do.
3. Caring adults and communities can arrange for young teenagers to meet (pun intended) in safe places.
4. Sexual adults enable boys and girls to develop positive attitudes and practices about sex and gain confidence in doing what comes naturally.
5. Don’t grab. Be respectful. Be assertive.
6. Don’t assume someone you’re interested in is out of your league. It may take until the end of summer (or much longer) to believe it.
7. Men are not only capable of nurturing other men, they are essential to our long-term well-being.
8. Knowing that men are not dependent on women for their health and well-being allows men to appreciate their own abilities to love and care for themselves.
9. Joining a men’s group may be the most important thing a man can do if he wants to be successful in life.
10. Learning to appreciate the gifts we can give and receive from men in a men’s group gives us confidence that we will never develop by finding our intimate relationships only with women.

In Part 2, I’ll tell you more about the sexual success secrets I learned between 8 and 80. If you found this article helpful, please share it with others. If you want to read more articles like these, consider subscribing to my free newsletter.

I am thinking of offering an online workshop for those who want to learn more about “The Hidden Secret of Becoming a Sexually Successful Man”. If you are interested, please email me at Jed@MenAlive.com and put “Sexual Success” in the subject line and I will send you more details (It will be open to men and women).