Therapists will tell you that negative self-talk is a learned habit. Maybe you saw a parent put themselves down a lot and now you do the same. Or you may be talking to yourself because you were bullied a lot as a child.
While this may be true for many, it is not true for me. And yet, I still grew up experiencing a lot of negative self-talk for seemingly no reason.
I guess on some level it’s a survival mechanism built into my monkey brain. Maybe I’m more of a monkey than I should be.
Whatever the case, negative self-talk was a real vice for me. And when I honestly look back over the years, I can now clearly see that it has stopped me in so many different ways.
- It stopped me from going on vacation with my friends right after school.
- It prevented me from approaching potential girlfriends.
- It stopped me from applying for the better jobs many thought I could get.
The familiar voice appears to remind me that “you know you can’t do this”. And, “Seriously, you have no chance, you better not embarrass yourself.”
And then I looked around at the confident people and admired the size of their plums trying things I wouldn’t dare.
After much retrospection of the different times of my life, my conclusion was this…
I am my own worst enemy.
The problem is that I think this is true for most of us and we never realize it.
We talk to ourselves and believe we should stay in “our own lane”.
We absolutely know our limits, we wouldn’t dare do ‘this’ and we would never attempt ‘that’.
Because of this, we unfortunately miss out on so many things in life, experiences, love and success.
We develop our own narrative about ourselves so much and so strongly that no matter how much confirmation we get, we stay in our own story.
And it’s usually to our detriment.
So how do you stop negative self-talk?
I’m not a therapist, just a guy who has spent many years learning to figure this out for himself and so if I’m going to try to answer this question, I’m going to do it honestly, from my own experience and some people won’t like the answer …
I don’t think you can stop negative self-talk.
At least, I don’t think you can stop it completely. That monkey in your head is much stronger than we know.
But the good news is that I think he can be dealt with holding his head up, holding himself and going back into his cage when needed. And over time I think you can tame it to some extent, become somewhat friends and even share a banana together occasionally.
How I learned to stop negative self-talk
My journey with negative self-talk has been an old slog. I’m not going to lie, learning to tame the beast has been hard, but I’ve developed habits along this journey that help me “snap a mole” of negative thoughts when they pop up.
After nearly two decades of struggling with negative self-determination, I had a breakthrough when I discovered a series of Stoic teachings.
I had only heard “people are stoic” as a negative thing – something someone used to suppress their emotions. I have always thought that it was therefore not a desirable philosophy.
But boy was I wrong. Who would have thought that lessons from thousands of years ago could help me completely redefine my thoughts?
But they did, they really did. And that’s why I’d like to share them with you. These teachings are nothing crazy. When you really digest them, you realize that they are lessons that are still talked about today and used in different disciplines, perhaps worded slightly differently.
Much of this is common sense. But they only work if you’re patient with yourself and show yourself some compassion along the way.
These are the lessons I remind myself of when I feel negative thoughts creeping in.
The things you think about determine the quality of your mind. Your soul takes on the color of your thoughts. – Marcus Aurelius
Negative self-talk is addictive. The more you listen to your negative thoughts, the more you believe them. You start thinking that “this is you”.
One of the reasons I’m obsessed with creating better habits is because I truly believe that you become what you do, think, and say. When I keep doing something positive, I feel good. When I relax I don’t feel good.
When I’m good to someone, I feel good. When I’m not nice to someone, I don’t feel good.
It’s very black and white.
So I notice how I don’t feel good when I give time to negative thoughts. They begin to affect my behavior, sending me into a negative spiral.
What have I learned?: It’s okay to challenge your negative thoughts. Notice how they affect the way you speak and what you do or don’t do. Show yourself compassion and remind yourself that you deserve to fill your thoughts with positive, productive things.
If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your appreciation of it. and this you have the power to revoke at any time. – Marcus Aurelius
One of the core teachings that runs through Stoicism is the idea that you are only in control of yourself and not of anything external. It’s a simple idea, but it can be incredibly useful when applied to modern life.
A lot of my negative thoughts revolve around my anticipation of something, but my thoughts about something are never as bad as the actual thing. I create a negative scenario in my mind that doesn’t even exist to begin with.
What have I learned?: Your estimates of something are usually too long. Negative thinking leads to creating false scenarios, making you believe that something is worse than it is. It’s kind of like being nervous when you’re standing on a roller coaster. It’s only when you get off the ride that you realize it’s not as bad as you’ve created in your imagination.
It doesn’t matter what happens to you, but how you react to it. – Acquired
My internal negative dialogue goes on too much if something “bad” happens. It rarely starts on its own for no reason. And so I try to be careful how I react to things. Do things need a reaction? Is it better to wait a minute before reacting to something?
Things will happen every day that will challenge you. They will also question the way you talk to yourself. If you find yourself reacting to everything the way you used to, there is a lot of room for negative reactions, and therefore, negative thinking.
What did I learn?: My negative self-talk immediately calms down when I’m not so reactive. This helps me to be in control not only physically but also mentally. I find that I can cut down on a lot of negative self-talk when I choose to react in a conscious way instead of an emotional one.
True happiness is enjoying the present, without anxious dependence on the future. – Seneca
Another big source of my negative self-talk comes from my fear and worries about the future. If I’m not careful, I can easily find myself spending hours thinking about the future, things like what I’ll be doing in 10 years, how long I’ll live, etc, etc.
Thinking about the future instead of enjoying the present has been a constant theme in my life.
And if that’s been your experience, you’ll understand how tiring it gets.
Not only that, but you realize that you can never enjoy being here, today.
Your negative self-talk is stuck in the future, while your body in the present wanders mindlessly, going through the motions.
What did I learn?: Allowing myself to be in the present moment reduces any negative self-talk I have. When you allow yourself to enjoy the present, you use your brain power to focus and listen, for example, and everything else can wait.
If it is tolerable, then bear with it and stop complaining, even to yourself. – Marcus Aurelius
One of the main ways my internal dialogues turn negative is through complaining. Complaining is an easy thing, it is as natural as breathing. I’d say it’s addictive. But all it does is create a negative environment in my mind.
And this is one of the Stoic lessons that probably deserves its own post because it helped me so much. Instead of reacting with complaint, even in my thoughts, I now take a more cautious approach. If I can stand something I don’t “like”, complaining about it will make it worse.
What did I learn?: The world is not always going to behave the way you want it to. And once you accept that, it’s easier to stop complaining. Complaining about things only makes things harder. Once you stop complaining, you start making room for positive thoughts.
Wrapping it all up
These stoic lessons helped me reduce my negative self-talk. However, they have only worked when I have allowed myself to allow them to work.
The biggest lesson I have learned from these teachings is that I have more control over my thoughts than I realized. I can decide how I want to react to the world.
The world can trigger negative thoughts, but it’s up to me how I react. And in all honesty, the negative way is the easy option. It’s what I’ve been getting for far too long.
These days now I’m trying to be less emotional with my reactions and more mindful and these are the lessons that help me do that.
Start creating better habits today.
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Sean C is a writer, passionate about improving oneself by maintaining healthy habits and doing things that make life more meaningful.
