Self -esteem is not new but a “self -esteem movement” began back in the 1970sIt is based on the idea that many of the problems of society were due to the low self -esteem of individuals.
Parents and teachers were encouraged to enhance children’s self -esteem, although there was really no much research to show that this would really improve grades, academic performance and future success.
Well, this was a failed experiment and there are some reasons why. To get started, there are actually two types of self -esteem, defensive and safe. And one of them is not useful.
What is self -esteem?
When one has a high defensive self -esteemthey seem to have a positive view of himself, but Their self -esteem is actually very fragile, Because they also have many subconscious insecurities and self-doubts. They react very negatively to any criticism they may receive and need stable positive feedback to maintain the feelings of self -esteem.
Just like low self -esteem can be a problem, so can high defensive self -esteem, Since this is based on the feeling above average, and we cannot all be above average, at least not all the time.
The feeling that we are better than others or we have to be better than others can lead to narcissism and certainly does not help us form important connections. Defensive self -esteem is unstable, depends on how we believe that other people consider us either for our most recent success or failure (this is also called possible self -esteem).
On the other side, When one has a high safe self -esteem, they do not need reassurance from others to think of themselves well. Childhood experiences that contribute to safe, as healthy, self-esteem include listening and speech with respect with proper attention and love and-this place is the key-having recognized achievements and errors or failures recognized and accepted.
For me, this sounds very much like factors that can help build self -concentration.
Unfortunately, the way in which self -esteem is often “cultivated” in children falls more according to the lines of “everyone is the winner”, “no losers”, “you are good at what you do”.
The problem is, sometimes we lose, sometimes we fail, sometimes we make mistakes and there may be things we try (and maybe even enjoy) that we are not very good. And that’s ok … unless he’s always winner and always “good on things” is what your self-promotion is based.
Self -awareness and critical voice
Something I often talk about with customers is their relationship with their critical voice. You know, this little voice on your head that says you are lost, that you weigh too much, that you should not eat this, that you will never have friends, etc.
There is one reason we have a critical voice-trying to keep us safe, though in a very high way. We do not want our critical voices to run our lives, but we can welcome our critical voice, Talk to me gently and kindly (as you would, say a little kid) and ask what they are afraid of. Because the critical voice tries to keep us safe, it generally comes from fear. We can calm this fear when we meet our critical voice with compassion.
Often, the underlying fear is that if we do x or do not do y, Then we will not be able to respond to one of universal human needs. The needs I often see come to this project are related to connection and belongs.
- “If I eat this food, I will not lose weight and no one will love me.”
- “Maybe I don’t have to take this lesson that I am interested in, because if I do not do it well, then people will believe that I am stupid and incompetent and will not respect me.”
It is important to note that our critical voices do not actually belong to us. It is the by -product of internalized oppression. But it is also important to recognize the voice – instead of trying to get away from it, which makes it stronger – and to explore how it came in the first place.
Some of my clients come to recognize that their critical voice imitates that of a parent or grandfather. One client realized that her critical voice sounded just like “Mean Girls” at school when she was a teenager. Another recognized her critical voice as belonging to a former friend.
When the needs are met … or not satisfied
When our needs are met, we are likely to feel one or more of these ways:
adventurous – dedicated – love
affectionate – excited – moved
Live – Fascinated – Pacific
calm – friendly – playful
Sure – happy – relaxed
Content – happy – satisfied
Curious – optimistic – tender
happy – interested – excited
Active – Happy – hot
When our needs are not met, we are likely to feel one of these ways:
upset – embarrassed – nervous
worried – outraged – overwhelmed
controversial – inflated – protective
angry – sadness – sad
annoyed – heart – scared
Anxious – helpless – anxiety
confused – desperate – suspect
despair – impatient – tense
Destroyed – irritated – terrified
Disclaimed – lonely – torn
Discouraged – longing – troubled
Can you see why your critical voice can appear if your needs are not met? Can you see why he can try to do you/not do something, even if this action may not be really useful in the long run? Eating salads in front of friends so that you “look disciplined” or ask for promotion so that you do not risk “looking fool” will probably be reversed when you overcome the private for food you really wanted and never go on your career.
Why self -concentration is the winner
Compassion observes one’s pain or struggles and emotion moving from this pain so that your heart responds to their pain. Feel warm, care and desire to help the person somehow. Compassion is also understanding and gentle with others when they do wrong or experience a failure, instead of judging them harsh.
Turn this warmth and courtesy and understanding and non -judgment towards yourself and have self -concentration. Unlike self -esteem in the way most people teach them, self -concentration is always available to us, though most of us must cultivate it first. Self -concentration does not require you to be “better” than someone else. You feel compassion for yourself because you are human and all people deserve compassion.
This brings me to a basic part of compassion and self-concentration-the idea of ​​common humanity. In other words, We are all human, we all suffer and fight (even if this pain looks different from person to person) and we all make mistakes.
When your needs are not met and your critical voice shouts and tries to save you, showing yourself compassion Can facilitate your immediate hassle, help you get out of the perfectionist trap and open the door To explore the way you can meet your needs in a way that does not require restriction or confidence-or to make you try to be other than your wonderful, authentic self.
For more information on self -concentration, The two best boot points are Kristen Neff self -concentration researcher, selfpassion.org. The other is the center for the awareness of the self -concentration website, with his colleague Christopher Germer, CenterFormsc.org. This site is more oriented to people who want to do some training in self -concentration, either for personal or business reasons, but there are also the general resources there.
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Carrie dennett; Mph, rdn, is a nutritionist based in northwestern Pacific, journalistintuitive nutrition consultant, authorand speaker. Its superpowers include Diet and empowerment of women and men Feel better in their bodies and make food choices that support pleasure, nutrition and health. This post is only for information purposes and is not a personalized diet or medical advice.
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