Maintaining a strong sexual connection through middle age

Emily Jamea, Ph.D., is a sex therapist, author andpodcast host. You can find her here every month to share her latest thoughts on sex. Her book, Anatomy of Desire: Five Secrets to Creating Connection and Cultivating Passion available wherever books are sold.

Recently I was drawn to the novel “All Fours” by Miranda July. The story follows an unnamed perimenopausal woman who, when she realizes her hormones are about to plummet and fears she will become sexually obsolete, boldly breaks free from the confines of domesticity and gender norms. I couldn’t put it down.

One of my friends shared one
New Yorker article that discussed July’s novel as well as others that have come out in recent years that address a similar theme—midlife women are beginning to wake up. “I love that women are finally giving themselves permission to have a midlife crisis,” I told my friends. The female midlife crisis is having a moment, and as a sex and relationship therapist, I feel called to reflect on this movement.

There has (finally!) been an increase in attention to menopause in the last couple of years. It’s a topic that’s gotten a lot of attention on social media, and PBS recently came out
The M factora documentary focusing on the new science surrounding menopause care.

Women are sick and tired of feeling marginalized by doctors who neglect their health and well-being. And, health issues aside, they refuse to keep pretending they’re completely uninterested in sex later in life.

While I was writing my new book, ”
Anatomy of Desire: Five Secrets to Creating Connection and Cultivating Passion”, I interviewed many women about what makes sex great at every stage of life. Menopause did not stop the research participants from feeling sexual. In fact, most people were pleasantly surprised when they discovered one improvement on how they felt sexually during middle age. They mentioned things like feeling more comfortable in their own skin, an increased ability to assert their wants and needs, and a partner who worked with them to keep things interesting. And I’ve counseled many midlife women who experience a surge of sexual interest after leaving unhealthy marriages. All this to say that hormonal change in midlife need not mean the end of sexual vitality.

Read: 9 ways menopause can give your sex a boost >>

While the theme in recent novels focuses on women experiencing a midlife crisis, upon reflection, I think it’s best to think of it as a sexual awakening. The latter implies more agency, in my opinion. And I don’t think women necessarily need to seduce a young man to get sexual excitement — although there’s nothing wrong with that.

The Adaptability chapter in my book is full of information about maintaining a strong sexual relationship despite changes throughout one’s life, but here are some quick tips.

1.
Reevaluate your sexual values. Most people don’t spend time reflecting on their thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about sexuality. Many of us internalize messages given to us by society, culture, upbringing and religion. Ask yourself questions like, What do I need to experience to feel sexually satisfied? How would I like to be treated before, during and after sex? How far am I willing to go to keep things exciting? How do I see the relationship between love and sex? Have any of my thoughts or feelings evolved over the past 15 years?

2.
Get your partner involved. Ask your partner if he or she would be willing to do a check-in on the quality of your sex life. It’s okay to open the conversation with something like that, I feel uncomfortable bringing this up, but I realize we hadn’t sat down to exchange our thoughts and feelings about the quality of our sex lives. I know it’s important to keep this part of our relationship strong. I imagine we’ve both changed a bit over the years, and I think it would be a good idea to see if there are any adjustments we need to make.

3.
Embrace new experiences together. Many couples in midlife find excitement in trying new things together. This doesn’t have to mean anything dramatic. Even small changes in routine can help create novelty and enhance a sense of exploration. You can try new activities, experiment with different forms of touch or explore fantasies. Think of it as keeping curiosity alive. Studies show that couples who try new things together tend to report greater satisfaction and connection, which can carry over into their sex lives.

4.
Focus on sensuality over sexuality. Sexuality and sensuality are often intertwined, yet focusing on sensuality can open pathways to intimacy that feel less pressured. Explore touch, connection and closeness without necessarily aiming for intercourse. A massage, a hug, or even a slow dance can create intimacy without expectations of performance. For many people, enjoying sensuality can be a way to reconnect with their bodies and each other, especially during times of physical or hormonal change.

5.
Be open to redefining intimacy. Redefining what intimacy means to both partners can be encouraging. Intimacy doesn’t always have to look like it did in your 20s or 30s. Exploring how it’s changed can take the pressure off maintaining rigid expectations. This openness allows space for evolving needs and desires, be they emotional, physical or sexual.

As more women embrace midlife, they discover a new vitality and depth in their relationships and sexuality. By redefining intimacy, reevaluating values ​​and exploring new possibilities, they create space for authentic connection that transcends conventional boundaries and stereotypes.

Whether you are just beginning to explore this stage or deep into your journey, remember that there is no single “right” way to experience a midlife sexual awakening. In the end, it’s about what gives you strength, satisfaction, and realness.