I have been a marriage and family counselor for over fifty years. I have written seventeen books and thousands of articles on love and marriage, but this may be the most important article you will ever read. If you visit my website, you will see the welcome video Confessions of a Twice Divorced Marriage Counselor. The bad news is that divorce is painful when it happens once, even more so when it happens twice. The good news is that for Carlin and I, the “third time” was the charm. We have now been happily married for 45 years.
The even better news is that this article and podcast will show you John Schinnerer and Joree Rose. Dr. John Schinnerer guides men to perform at their peak from the boardroom to the bedroom. He was a special consultant for the Pixar film Inside out. Joree Rose, MA, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, transformational coach, mindfulness and meditation teacher, author, speaker, and also leads mindfulness centers around the world.
Together they offer something you won’t find anywhere else—the secrets to having a successful marriage that lasts a lifetime. It’s rare for a marriage and family counselor to tell potential clients that there is someone else who can offer something more valuable and helpful than what they have to offer, but that’s what I do.
John and Joree offer support to men, women and couples. It’s the kind of help and support I wish was available to me before I struggled through two marriages that led to two divorces. And you don’t have to wait until your marriage is in trouble to take advantage of what John and Joree have to offer.
You can get a good feel for who they are and what they offer by watching the podcast interview I did recently. Here are some additional words of wisdom to share. Here are some of the most important practice tools from Joree and John for those who want to have THE ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP:
- NAME / FAIL what you feel right now. Practice using “I” statements, instead of “You” statements…and practice communicating with curiosity and compassion. it will lower defensiveness and increase connection and understanding. Say, “I feel insignificant when you don’t look up from your phone when I tell you about my day.” Don’t say: “You always ignore me!” *Tip: It’s not an “I” statement to say, “I feel like you’re always ignoring me.” This sounds like name-calling, when in fact, he is guilty.
- ALLOW AND ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER’S FEELINGS. Once you begin to limit, deny, resist, or judge your partner’s emotional expression, disconnection ensues. You don’t have to agree or feel the same way as your partner to make room for what they feel.
- MAKE GRATITUDE AND APPRECIATION A DAILY HABIT. It can be about anything your partner does – tasks or jobs, their values, morals or ethics. let them know you appreciate them for everything! Be grateful for even the smallest things.
- DO SMALL THINGS OFTEN because your partner is the key to building a strong relationship. Leave them a note, rub their feet at the end of the day, make dinner reservations, take out the trash without being asked… even the smallest task can go a long way. Creating a 5:1 positive to negative ratio will help you dominate your relationship.
- BE CURIOUS ABOUT WHO YOUR PARTNER IS HERE AND NOW. Realize that you’ve both grown since the beginning of your relationship, and be interested in learning about those changes. When you first started dating, you would ask a lot of questions – their likes, dislikes, dreams, hopes, expectations… just because you’ve been together a long time doesn’t mean you should assume you know who they are. They (and you!) have probably changed over time. Ask, without attachment, how they think and be open to hearing it, especially if it’s different than how you think.
This is an important point. My wife, Carlin, and I have taken it a step further. We recognize that in a marriage both partners change over time and we need to renew and update our commitments as things change. Carlin and I remarry every 15 years. We actually decide if we want to marry this person, as if it were a new relationship. We think hard about who we are and who we want in a marriage partner. We have now been married three more times since we were first married 45 years ago.
- KNOW YOUR AND YOUR PARTNER’S LOVE LANGUAGE. These are the ways we know that we or our partner are loved. The five love languages are: physical contact, quality time, receiving gifts, words of affirmation, and acts of service. Many partners don’t share the same love language and we often give what we want the most and it can end up having the opposite effect for our partner.
- COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS ACCURATELY. When you ask your partner for something, know the difference between an invitation, a request or a demand. An invitation allows for a yes/no response without judgment. A request is asking your partner for something based on your set of values. A requirement just tells them what to do. The best way to satisfy your needs is with a request.
- YOU AND ABSOLUTELY KNOW YOUR NAME, YOUR NEEDS AND LIMITS. Don’t be afraid to tell your partner what you need from them. remember, they can’t read your mind. For example, if you want them to plan date nights, make it clear. If you have a need to speak on a deeper level, don’t feel “too needy” to express what will make you feel seen, heard, validated, or connected. And don’t apologize for what you need – get it!
- ATTEMPT TO REPAIR. After you’ve had an argument, conflict, or misunderstanding, you need to make repairs to detach, heal, and reconnect. Walking toward one another can be done in a number of ways: gentle, empathetic touch (hug, touch on the hand), apologize, inquire about how the other feels, seek understanding that leads to transgression, engage in a joint activity, sit the next to each other, ask what your partner needs to feel resolved, etc… Even if you don’t like it and your overwhelming feelings are still activated, make the repair effort anyway. it will help you overcome the problem faster.
- RESPOND TO OFFERS FOR ATTENTION. When your partner seeks your attention, respond by acknowledging them. For example: put down your phone. I am looking; do i make eye contact did you answer the question? pause what you are doing. comment on what they show you. Show interest. When you’re busy, you can still acknowledge it by saying, “I see you want to show me _________, and I’ll be happy to take a look in a minute when I’m done __________.” When our offers are not consistently acknowledged, the message being received is that our partner is not interested and will likely shut down and stop trying.
John and Joree offer much more. You can visit them at their home site:
https://loveisntenough.net/. Tell them Dr. Jed recommended you pass. You’ll be glad you did.
If you want to visit me, I hang out at If you like articles like these and want to know about my latest programs for men, women and couples, feel free to sign up for my free newsletter here.
