Every intercourse is different: the lead, the context, the people, your state of mind. A lot of the messages out there about faking an orgasm can make us feel bad about doing it, leading to guilt and frustration. If you’re faking orgasms, I totally get it: I’ve faked more orgasms than I’ve done he had orgasms. I realized I was doing it to avoid feeling insecure about not being able to get off. And it hurt me more than it helped me.
When I asked others if they did, I got all kinds of answers. Some of the answers included wanting sex to end, faking it as a way to get more aroused, or some other reason that didn’t seem as harmful as it was to me. After being confused for so long, I realized that the question is not whether faking an orgasm is good or bad – instead, the question is how does it affect you?
Why do people fake orgasms?
When you explore the different reasons why people fake orgasms, it seems that they generally don’t come from bad intentions. Examining the roots of these intentions can help us understand why we are faking them.
Some people fake orgasms because a delayed or nonexistent orgasm negatively affects their self-esteem. There may be feelings of shame, abnormality and insecurity that are the product of unrealistic societal expectations of what sex should be. Another reason may be that faking an orgasm increases your arousal and sometimes even leads to an orgasm. Having said that, a study on the motivations behind women engaging in the practice of faking orgasms found that those who did so to increase their arousal had greater orgasm consistency. On the other hand, those who faked orgasms due to feelings such as insecurity and shame had lower consistency. In another studythe results show that the main motivations include wanting to end the sex or benefiting your partner by wanting to make them feel good or avoiding making them feel bad.
How to stop (if you want to)
Maybe you’ve been in a relationship for five years and in those five years you’ve never had an orgasm with your partner. Maybe they think you have them because you faked them. Or maybe sometimes you I am doing climax, but you fake a lot of them too. Being afraid to break this chain is normal. What will my partner think if I don’t finish today? Or what will they think if I stop coming down as often as I used to? You may feel like there’s no going back now and you have to stick with faking it for the rest of your life—or the life of your relationship. But if you want to stop, you can.
Getting into the process of no longer faking orgasms and maybe finding things to work on can come with some awkward moments. But it is in these moments that the relationship with yourself or with another person can transform and become stronger. It’s okay to have challenges—it’s what makes us human.
Working with our minds
It’s important to be honest with yourself. Take the time to go into a vulnerable and honest inner space and see what’s underneath it all. (If you feel you cannot do it yourself, you can seek help sexual therapy.) Orgasm is a physiological and psychological experience, where the body and arousal have important roles to play, but where the mind has the biggest one. A study found that psychological factors influence women more than physical factors when it comes to experiencing orgasm. These include how relaxed we are, how much value we place on orgasm, as well as factors such as self-esteem, communication with our partner, etc. Our mental state is such an important part of the orgasm process that it is vital to take some time to see if there is something that needs to be addressed.
Working with our bodies
Do some research on how to boost yourself — and give it a try. The goal here is not to reach orgasm, but to learn better and understand what you like. There is plenty of content out there that can help you explore your body if you don’t know how to. If, for example, you feel that you are very anxious when you are alone, you can do a meditation to relax before touching yourself. Once you start exploring, remember that it will take time and patience to figure out what you like. And once you understand it better, it will be easier to explain it to others.
Working with others
This part may seem like the scariest because it involves other people. But after doing some work on yourself, you will be able to better understand what you need. It may be something that has nothing to do with your partner. if so, express it. Maybe you don’t like how your partner touches you and want to try other things. If so, express it—in a nice, loving, considerate way. Make an agreement for talks about your sex life togetherwhere kindness and patience come first.
Accepting all the insecurities involved
We all feel insecure sometimes. Sex is a place where you can’t escape insecurities: they’re bound to come out one way or another. Another reason people may fake orgasms is because they don’t want the other person (or people!) involved to feel insecure. Again, these reasons don’t come from bad intentions, but ask: how do they affect you? Making peace with the fact that there will be insecurities can disempower them. Notice how you talk and feel about yourself and your body, and explore what you can do to improve your self-esteem if it needs a little love too. When it comes to faking orgasms to “protect” another person, try to think about how it could affect the relationship in the long run and whether avoiding dealing with insecurities is actually beneficial.
There is a common misconception that sex ends after orgasm. But that doesn’t have to be the case. This idea removes value and importance from all the other delicious moments in a sexual encounter. In brief: Sex ends when we want it to. Sometimes we forget that the goal in sex is not to reach orgasm, but that what matters is to enjoy it and feel pleasure.
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Written by Natalia Lozano Casique.
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