“But I want it now!” All children go through a me, mine phase now as young babies and toddlers, and it’s normal to be self-centered. In other words, they are the center of the universe, and everything revolves around them.1 You are not a bad parent, and neither is your child if he goes through this stage. But what is normal and when do you have a spoiled child on your hands? And if you’ve noticed some altered features creeping in, don’t worry. it is entirely possible for a child to spoil them.
Signs of a spoiled child
Spoiled children are ungrateful and used to getting what they want when they want it. And if they don’t, expect the collapse. They don’t just learn how to navigate the world and be considerate of other people. They have no regard for what others need and expect people to satisfy their needs or wants without giving (or doing) anything in return.1 Other signs or behaviors to watch for include:2
What causes a child to misbehave?
I’m sorry to say that many spoiled behaviors are related to parenting. This is not to say that parents who spoil their children are bad, as it is mostly unintentional.3 Many children end up spoiled because their parents want the best for them! As parents, we want to please our children and ensure their happiness. We give them gifts, arrange special treats and visit restaurants, shops, amusement parks, etc., to entertain them. However, this can inadvertently result in children constantly being entitled to or expecting this type of treatment.
But the main reason children become spoiled is from permissive or permissive parenting. This happens when a parent doesn’t have firm boundaries or lots of rules and doesn’t use discipline.4 This can make children self-centered, immature, selfish and narcissistic. No one can be perfect all the time, including parents. And it’s easier to give in sometimes and say yes, but kids learn that if they whine, whine, or throw a tantrum, they’re going to get what they want.
Sometimes mistreating and spoiling children or being tolerant comes from guilt. Many parents work long hours outside the home. Spending time away from their little ones makes them feel bad, so they try to “buy” their love or even unwittingly try to make things easy and fun because they don’t have enough hours with them. And it’s a better way to spend time together than having arguments and enforcing rules or consequences.
There’s nothing wrong with the odd bit of relaxation or a special treat, and no one can always be perfect. We’ve all been that tired parent who picked their battles, brushed off challenging behavior that wasn’t ultimately harmful or dangerous, and decided not to deal with it. But we’re talking about patterns, where being entitled and spoiling, or having a lack of boundaries and rules, are reinforced over and over again, not a little treat occasionally.
How to spoil your child
With all this in mind, can you learn how to spoil your child? Absolutely!
Essentially, unlearned behavior persists as long as we continue to reinforce it. This means that we negate correct and demanding behavior by being consistent with rules, expectations, limits and consequences and not giving in. This is easier said than done, as kids who are used to things going their way can have strong feelings when the rules are changed. Well, here are some strategies to help your child re-engage with their empathy and compassion and support you in letting them go.
1. Don’t make things too easy for them
I’m not saying to be mean or useless, but sometimes we accidentally do too much for our kids and don’t let them learn life skills. When we do too much for them, we smooth the paths in their lives, meaning they don’t learn how to deal with disappointment or challenges. So start small and let them experience a challenge or a little discomfort. For example, instead of rushing to tie their shoes, allow them to take a walk first. Or instead of buying them another ice cream because they don’t want vanilla, let them eat the vanilla flavor or not eat the ice cream you bought.
2. Patience is a Virtue
In our modern world, almost everything we want is the “click of a button”. Want to talk to grandparents on the other side of the world? Done! Want to watch any movie you can think of on demand? Done! We must give our children the opportunity to practice patience. It is a skill learned over time. So don’t rush to give things away. Like the previous strategy, don’t rush to give them what they want. Make them wait or earn something before they can get what they want.
3. Teach them to manage big emotions
A big part of dealing with a child means helping them manage strong emotions. This is because they will have to learn how to deal with being patient, frustrated (as mentioned earlier) or upset when things don’t go well. Teach them calming skills or strategies to help them manage their anger – moving their bodies, learning to talk about things, breathing calmly, etc.
4. Learn how to deal with flare-ups
This is more about you than your child. There is no need to intervene if they are not in danger during an outbreak. Stay present and close (we don’t push our kids away when they have big emotions), but don’t throw a tantrum. I know; It’s hard when you’re in public and you feel sad that they’re melting down because they couldn’t have the chocolate. But retreating at that point will only reinforce the maladaptive behaviors you want to eliminate.3 Be firm, let them vent and make sure you take care of yourself as it can be stressful and overwhelming when our children express big emotions.
5. Have an attitude of gratitude
It is important to know how to teach a spoiled child appreciation. A key way to do this is to develop an attitude of gratitude. Grateful children are happier, more optimistic, have better social support (they tend to provide more social support and receive support in return), and are more satisfied with their lives.5 We can teach gratitude with things like:
- Modeling the behavior we expect from our children
- By drawing their attention to the positive and then to life
- Giving back (donating time and resources to help others)
- Being aware of other people and their lives (differences, cultures, history, challenges, etc.)
- Developing a daily ritual to identify one small thing you are grateful for in your life
- Gratitude exercises and activities
It is possible to spoil your child. it just takes consistency and persistence. When you can do this, not only will your child benefit, but so will you and the entire family. Being thankful and grateful helps your child to be happier and improves their well-being.5 Of course, your child isn’t perfect, so sometimes they seem ungrateful or a little demanding, but that’s normal. Turn them into teachable moments and continue with your consistent rules, boundaries, and expectations. Those spoiled moments will fade soon enough.
