Today, we will discuss a very sensitive topic. Reproductive trauma that is.
And while it may be hard to talk about, it’s definitely something that needs to be talked about in general.
The goal is to start a global conversation with the right support. But that might be a big thought.
Therefore, with the resources we have, we would very much like to approach the issue.
With many people facing excruciating pain because of it, both physical and psychologicalwe hope to offer comfort in the form of tools that may help you deal with this type of trauma.
The term “reproductive trauma” can seem a little vague.
And the way we’re going to talk about this very sensitive issue is in a way that covers every form of loss that involves the process to become a parent.
Some examples of reproductive trauma include, but are not limited to:
In other words, reproductive trauma is a spectrum. And everyone who experiences it will have a unique experience that often includes sadness and feelings of pain.
Reproductive trauma: A gateway to other forms of pain
In the realm of reproductive trauma, it is possible that the trauma itself gives way to another form of heartache and pain. One unrelated to their reproductive trauma.
For example, if someone has experienced a miscarriage, they could also deal with the pain associated with not becoming a parent.
They may have mentally prepared to have a child and/or have created a special space in their home for their unborn child—all of which can result in the destruction of a dream. This makes this type of trauma extremely difficult and complex.
That said, there are ways to deal with trauma.
Reproductive trauma: A qualitative study
In late 2022 two researchers, Clay and Marjorie Brigance, conducted a study while experiencing first-hand reproductive trauma (infertility followed by complicated pregnancy).
The study was designed as dyadic ethnography, which is a collaborative research method where the researchers themselves are the subjects.
In this case the two researchers, who are a couple, used open dialogue as a means of comparing and contrasting their experience as well as tools such as listening, questioning and questioning themselves and their partner.
Throughout the study they documented their trials and tribulations through in-depth conversations and diaries. What they found was that the experience of reproductive trauma is ambiguous, making it difficult to truly grieve.
“When a natural death occurs, we have rituals to process that loss. However, there is no ritual with the grief of infertility or early pregnancy loss. We often suffer in silence” says the research couple.
Their biggest takeaway from their study was that it matters talk about it, so it’s no longer a scary secret. That, and how important it is to really sit with the feelings without trying to fix them.
“The more we can talk about it, the more we can normalize it” say the researchers.
The results: Trauma & Attachment Style
At the end of the study, the pair had some interesting findings.
They found that their untreated trauma led to reduced empathy, which caused an avoidant-insecure attachment style.
Of this kind attachment style it’s when, instead of craving intimacy, a person will be wary of closeness with another and try to avoid emotional connections. Instead, they prefer to rely on themselves during their pain.
Furthermore, they found that when He made process their trauma through empathic communication and spiritual connection, their attachment style was more secure couple attachment.
This attachment style consists of a person valuing their self-worth and ability to be themselves in a relationship. They also actively seek support and comfort from their partner and are happy that their partner does the same.
With these results, the researchers were able to summarize their findings into three different ways that people could overcome reproductive trauma.
3 ways to help cope with reproductive trauma
If you or someone you know is dealing with reproductive trauma, these three tips may help:
1. Realizing you are not alone
As mentioned above, dealing with reproductive trauma can be difficult because it can be ambiguous. It’s hard to accept or deal with trauma when you don’t know how to do it, and you can feel extremely isolated.
But, it is in these moments that you need to remind yourself that you are not alone. The more you talk about it, the more comfort and sadness you can experience.
For this, it will prove invaluable for you to find a community or person(s) who truly understand you and can empathize.
2. Sit with the feelings, don’t try to “fix” them.
In the study, it was found that when one partner validated the other’s feelings, it was more effective than trying to “fix” or “solve” them.
“If you want to experience relational closeness, it means sitting with the pain.” says Brigance. “This could come down to a comment like, “It’s so hard. I see your wound.”
3. Don’t let outside opinions influence you or affect how you feel
It’s natural for people to want to give you advice or guidance. But just because everyone has an opinion doesn’t mean it’s true or valid.
If you choose to listen to outside advice, remember that not all of it will be helpful. Everyone is allowed to have thoughts and feelings about parenthood, but only you know how your trauma feels.
At times like these, leaning on your partner or a mental health professional can be the best thing you can do as you grieve.
If you are dealing with reproductive trauma, we hope these tips and information have helped you in some way.
However, talking about your pain, as opposed to trying to fix it, might just be the best way to deal with your grief (and if you have, grow closer to your partner). You are not alone and your feelings are valid.
