Finding food freedom is a pretty magical thing. I’ve heard people describe it as feeling like a sigh of relief. Although the process of making peace with food is often scary and exhausting, and looks a lot like a wavy line that gradually tends upwards, rather than the straight upward progression we expect when you’re in a place where you’re no longer watched for culture of the diet, it is very nice. Except for one thing…
The diet discussion is happening hell annoying.
When a colleague tells you all the details about their new raw vegan locavore diet, it makes you want to pull out your eyelashes one by one. A friend from high school shares an article on facebook about how gluten is the devil and you resist the urge to get on a plane, fly to your hometown and hit them over the head with a French baguette. Thanks to Goop, you can no longer watch Gwyneth Paltrow movies without thinking of bone broth, intermittent fasting, and smoothies made with $100 powders. Too bad, because Sliding Doors is a classic.
Sometimes that frustration with the diet discussion leads to, well, frustration with yourself—because you’re still a little intrigued, even after your eyes have been opened to the ineffectiveness of dieting and the harm caused by dieting culture. diet. It’s really normal to be tempted by diet talk, even when you know better. Engaging in diet conversations is especially empowering when you’re in a more vulnerable place in recovery. It can also lead to feelings of intense body shaming, especially if you are a larger body type or are older than the dieters.
I think it was on the podcast I love food that I first heard the phrase “I live in a culture with its own eating disorder.” Truth. We live in an extremely lipophobic society that is obsessed with weight loss, dieting and good health. Because of this, dieting has become normal to talk about, despite the harm and discomfort it causes. Many people don’t realize how pervasive diet talk is until they decide to stop dieting.
Unfortunately, more or less all of us have loved ones who are actively dieting. Even if you don’t, if you’re a person who watches TV, goes on social media, or doesn’t wear noisy headphones every time you leave the house, you’re going to be exposed to diet talk. How do you continue to live, work, love, or simply communicate with someone whose beliefs, words, and actions cause harm? How do you deal with diet discussions without sealing yourself off in a protective bubble?
When I work with clients dealing with diet discussions, we talk about setting up two layers of protection. The first level of protection is about reducing exposure. The second is about reducing the internalization of the nutrition debate. Essentially, when you are inevitably exposed to diet talk, how do you prevent yourself from being activated or internalized by the message.
Let’s talk about these two layers separately.
How to reduce exposure to diet talk:
Here are some ideas for reducing exposure to diet talk:
Set boundaries.
If someone you love is constantly bringing up dieting, eating, and weight, it’s okay to ask them to stop. Setting boundaries can be really scary, but there are plenty of polite and non-confrontational ways to ask someone to relax about dieting. Here are some short scripts that might be helpful:
“I’m really trying to work on my relationship with food and my body right now. I know you don’t want to get hurt, but this conversation upsets me. Can we talk about something else?’
“I know dieting has been a big topic of conversation for us in the past, but I’m learning how harmful it was for me and I’m trying to stop managing my weight. I know you’re still dieting, and that’s totally fine, but I have to ask you not to gain weight or diet when we hang out.”
“I’m in eating disorder recovery and hearing about other people’s weight and diets is not good for my mental health. Can we make these topics off-limits?’
Unfortunately, not everyone will respect the boundaries you set, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to set them.
Change the subject or remove yourself from the situation.
If you feel too uncomfortable setting boundaries, or if an unexpected discussion about diet arises, it’s okay to remove yourself from the situation or change the subject. I’m a big fan of using a pee emergency as an excuse. It’s also helpful to have some celebrity gossip in your back pocket to change the subject. One thing that’s sure to be more interesting than the diet debate? New memoir by Brittany Spears.
Curate your environment/social circle.
To reduce exposure to diet talk, it may be necessary to curate both your social circle and social media. This doesn’t mean that you should coldly cut people you care about out of your life (although in some cases, it can be extremely appropriate to cut ties with people who don’t respect your dietary boundaries). Unfollow or mute people on social media who constantly talk about food, weight and dieting. Limit the time you spend with active dieters or plan activities where they are less likely to occur, perhaps going to the movies or having a book club where the conversation is focused on something else.
Leave some knowledge and grow your community.
Okay, so you don’t have to become an intuitive food evangelist, and in fact, this can very easily backfire and make people more entrenched in their diet beliefs. However, I think it might be helpful to drop some kernel of knowledge in a non-judgmental way with people who might be receptive. No need to cite statistics from a magazine article or anything flashy, but little tidbits that might make people curious to learn more. Here are some ideas:
“I used to feel really bad about dieting and putting weight back on, but then I learned that over 60% of dieters gain back more weight than they originally lost. I realized it wasn’t a matter of willpower!”
“I stopped restricting carbs when I learned that glucose is our brain’s primary fuel source, and I learned that my energy and focus are SO much better when I include carbs in my meals and snacks. It has made a huge difference in how I feel!”
“I know your doctor tells you to lose weight for your PCOS, but I also know a lot of thin people with PCOS? I wonder if there is anything else they can do to help?”
How not to internalize Diet Talk
When you’re exposed to diet talk, it’s easy to internalize what’s being said and make it about your body, or worse, your worth. Even if the diet conversation is about you (which is extremely painful), it’s always about the other person, theirs lipophobia and theirs insecurities.
And yet, it’s really hard to be exposed to diet talk and not leave that talk feeling a little crappy.
Whatever you do to reduce your exposure to diet talk, you will be exposed to it at some point. How can you let go of these experiences and not feel so bad about yourself? Here are some things I’ve found helpful for clients:
Get into the “honey” attitude.
One of my clients came up with this trick and I love it! When someone talks about their diet, internally (let’s not say it out loud!) respond with a Marshall-from-How-I-Met-Your-Mother-style “Oh honey!” gif It’s kind of silly, so it lightens the emotional response, but it’s also a useful reminder of how absurd food culture is.
Get angry.
Anger, when directed at the food culture and not at yourself, can be healing. It is very appropriate to be angry at a truly screwed up system that makes a huge amount of money demanding that we spend our precious time and energy trying to make our bodies smaller and hurting those who can’t or chose not to play their game. Take that anger you’ve been directing internally because you don’t have the “willpower” to go on a diet, and direct it at those who deserve your wrath.
Respond with compassion.
While talking about dieting is very embarrassing, the reality is that you’ve probably dealt with it quite a bit in the past. Friends or family members may roll their eyes and “pat” you for talking about your latest diet or sharing what you learned on Facebook about the woes of gluten! It’s painful to think about, but also very likely to unintentionally hurt people with lipophobic remarks.
Of course, this was probably unintentional as you navigated life in a lipophobic culture. It doesn’t make you a bad person, just a person. Hopefully, you can feel compassion for your former self, as well as compassion for others who follow the diet culture. Remind yourself of the pain you felt when you were trapped in the cycle of dieting and body hate, and just know that they hurt too. Dieters do the best they can with the knowledge, support, and value they have at the time. It’s this food culture that deserves your anger, not its victims. But Gwyneth Paltrow too.
This post was originally published in August 2016. It has been updated to bring you the best possible content.
