Attachment is the unique relationship or bond between you and your baby. The quality of this bond can vary, but a secure attachment or attachment style with your baby is all about the non-verbal, emotional exchanges between the two of you that help your baby feel safe and calm.1 Attachment is a critical factor that supports how your little one develops socially, emotionally, and even physically.
Does your baby cry when you put him down? Do they recover quickly when you return? They are likely to experience secure attachment. So what does that mean? The definition of secure attachment in psychology (originally developed and researched by Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby) explains how a primary caregiver’s sensitivity and responsiveness to their child’s needs creates a sense of trust, resilience and confidence. Attachment theories suggest that when caregivers are aware of and responsive to their child’s needs, the child develops a sense of security. They also learn that they can depend on their caregiver, who creates a secure base that allows them to explore the world around them.1
This original theory stems from four main types of attachment.1 While a secure attachment style indicates that your baby feels safe and secure knowing that he can depend on you, the other three styles signal an insecure attachment bond. An insecure attachment style can stunt your child’s brain development, affect their mental, emotional and physical development and negatively affect their ability to form relationships as they grow older.2 This occurs when caregivers fail to meet their children’s needs, which can happen for a variety of reasons. The three additional attachment styles are:3
Ambivalently attached children may be quite suspicious of strangers and experience intense distress when separated from their primary caregiver. However, their carer often does not comfort or reassure them when they return and may reject them or be aggressive towards them.
Avoidantly attached children typically avoid their caregivers. This may be more noticeable after a period of absence. While they may not outwardly reject their parents’ attention or presence, they do not actively seek contact with or comfort from them. They usually know no preference between their caregiver and a stranger.
Children who experience a disorganized attachment pattern with their parents do not usually display clear attachment behaviors. They respond to their caregiver in a mixed manner. they may be avoidant or ambivalent. They may even seem anxious or confused by their caregiver’s presence.
Developing a secure attachment style with your baby is essential. When you meet their needs for safety and security, it means their nervous system is optimally developed. Secure attachment in infants allows their developing brains to “organize” around a base of safety.4 I know it sounds a little confusing, but your child’s brain is developing and starting to make sense of the world using early experiences to guide it. So if your child experiences a strong, secure relationship early on, they will usually feel safe, have the energy to explore the world around them, and assume they can trust other people.
Your baby or child who experiences a secure attachment style tends to experience the following benefits:4
- Have a healthy sense of self-awareness
- Better equipped to recognize their needs, share their feelings and seek help or support to meet their needs
- Increased empathy
- Increased feelings of trust (ability to trust others)
- Be more eager, willing and able to learn (which can increase performance in school)
- More independent and willing to explore or try new things
- Be more resilient or react better to stressful events
- Have better problem solving skills
- Experience stronger, more positive relationships
- Have better self-esteem
- You are less likely to experience depression or anxiety
Considering the huge benefits, it’s important to understand how to develop a secure attachment style with your little one. Here are some tips for safe attachment parenting:
This is a quick win. You’ll be dealing with feeding and sleeping routines, and since a secure attachment to your baby means you’re responsive to (and aware of) their needs, this daily activity already sets you on the right track. As you get to know them, you’ll start reading their cues – “Aha, that’s a crazy, tired cry” versus “That’s their hungry cry.” These are the building blocks of secure attachment as you begin to follow their cues and respond to their needs.5
This comes with time as you get to know your baby. Their cries may sound similar, but they will show you what they need. You don’t have to get it right 100% of the time, but it’s vital to pay attention to facial expressions, postures, etc., try to understand what they mean, and then respond. Every baby is different, and so is their preferred way of comforting – rock them up and down, go somewhere quiet and calm, hold them close and give them a hug, etc.
You could have a mental checklist of all the baby’s possible needs and check them off until you get it right. Then learn from it and try to remember it for next time. Remember, babies can cry for complex, unexplained baby reasons, so sometimes it takes time, patience and contact with you before they settle down.
Anxiety, depression, exhaustion, etc., make it harder to be present and engaged with your little one. I know that’s easier said than done when your whole life has been turned upside down by your new arrival. You may be sleep deprived and your relationship with your partner, among other things, could change. But try to ask for help or accept it when it’s offered. Make sure you engage in self-care when you have the chance. You can throw the baby in the carrier and do some safe postpartum yoga (once you’ve gotten the go-ahead from your postnatal checkup). You could put in your headphones and listen to an audiobook while you feed or nap. Just try to sneak in ways to take care of yourself.
Yes, you will be a big bundle of hormones after giving birth, and sometimes, those sleepless nights will make you a little cranky. However, it is important to manage your emotions as our little ones can take on our stress and anxiety.5 As they feed off your emotions, they will be harder to calm, exacerbating your anxiety. It can become a bit of a vicious cycle.
So find ways to calm or calm down before interacting with your little one. This could be taking a few calm breaths before grabbing them from their crib. Or you could practice progressive muscle relaxation while feeding them or before getting out of bed in the morning. Perhaps you could take a stress ball, use relaxing scented roller balls, get a massage from your partner, or find other nice sensory activities to help you feel calm.
It is essential to make eye contact, laugh, smile and enjoy your time with your baby. They will pick up on your cues (ie, that you enjoy being with them) and feel connected to you and comforted by your actions. You are not a robot, so don’t force a smile and don’t expect to be 100% happy 100% of the time. But take some time each day to really get down to their level and connect. Try to time it when they are not tired or overstimulated. Otherwise, it can make them more restless.
There is no rulebook or one-size-fits-all approach to creating a strong and secure attachment while meeting your child’s needs. They are as unique as we are, and so are their preferences. But other reasons or things going on in your world may affect your ability to create a secure attachment style with your baby. Challenges can come from either the parent’s side or the baby’s side. On the parent’s side, these barriers may include:6
- Sleep deprivation
- High stress levels
- Lack of support
- Living in an unsafe environment (either at home or in the community)
- Depression, anxiety or other emotional problems (These may affect or make attachment more difficult, but do not necessarily equate to insecure attachment. For example, a parent with
- Depression can make it harder to develop a secure attachment, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it won’t happen.)
- Adverse childhood experiences, including abuse, neglect, or a chaotic childhood
- Drug and alcohol problems
Babies with the following characteristics may have challenges with secure attachment:
- Some babies have temperaments that are more boisterous or harder to calm
- Babies who had problems in the womb or during delivery
- Babies who were born prematurely or had other reasons that led them to the intensive care unit
- Those who have been separated from their primary caregiver at birth
- Health issues either at birth or from an early age
- Babies with multiple caregivers (inconsistent caregivers)
Remember, you don’t have to be a perfect parent to form a secure bond with your baby. All you need to do is try your best and persevere. Secure attachment is about the quality and willingness of you to respond to your child’s needs, even if you don’t get it right 100% of the time. It can even help the attachment become secure if you recognize that you haven’t met their need and fix it. This shows your intent to know their needs and your willingness to meet them.
Parenting can be difficult. there is no manual, and it can be complicated and confusing. So if you’re struggling with attachment or bonding with your child, it’s essential to seek support early on to get things back on track!
