Part 2
In Part 1, I shared my challenges with depression, the fact that the suicide rate for men is much higher than for women, and how these events have affected men and their families. Here we will take a deeper look at the root causes and possible solutions to this global problem.
The most underrated fact about men and why men are risk takers
Dr. Roy Baumeister is one of the world’s leading social scientists. Understanding his work can help us better understand a lot about why men are the way they are, and specifically why men are the risk-taking sex.
Baumeister is the author of more than thirty books and four hundred scientific articles. In his groundbreaking book, Is there anything good for men? How civilizations flourish by exploiting men, He says,
“If evolutionary theory is right about anything, it’s right about reproduction. Nature will most favor traits that lead to reproductive success. But for thousands of years, men and women have faced very different odds and problems in reproduction. In this basic task, women faced a good chance of success, while men were born to face a looming failure.”
Since all humans are mammals, there is a basic biological fact of life. It is the female that carries the baby in her belly and will always be 100% sure that any offspring carries her genes. Males can never be 100% sure, hence the truth, “mother’s baby, father’s maybe”. Furthermore, more females than males have reproduced through evolutionary history.
Dr. Baumeister tells us this
“Of all humans who ever reached adulthood, perhaps 80% of women but only 40% of men reproduced. Or maybe the numbers 60% vs. 30%. But one way or another, a woman’s chances of having a line of offspring to date were double of males”.
Baumeister goes on to say,
“That’s an amazing difference. Of all the people ever born, most women became mothers, but most men did not become fathers.”
The result is that throughout human history men have become risk takers, competing with other men to be chosen by a woman to mate with. Some successful men (think Genghis Khan) fathered hundreds of children. Some men were completely unhinged.
The women’s motto became: “Life gave you a good thing. don’t blow it. Play it safe.”
The men’s motto was the opposite: “The odds are against you. You better take your chances.”
Baumeister says,
“That’s why we come from women who play safe and risky men.”
Help-seeking versus risk-taking, the empathy gap, and implications for male suicide
My father didn’t seek help for his depression until he had to, and the help available at the time was inadequate. This is still true for many men today.
“Perhaps it is not surprising that, if there are large gender differences in risk-taking and protective behavior,”
says Dr. Martin Seager who we met in Part 1,
“There will also be correspondingly large gender differences in help-seeking. An individual or group that is more likely to take risks to protect others is by definition less likely to seek help or self-protection.”
As my father found, he was not only driven to take risks to work in a demanding profession to provide for his family, but this indication was supported and encouraged by society at large.
“The evidence also suggests that society is correspondingly calibrated to expect this difference and, as a consequence, is less empathetic towards the death and injury of men.”
says Seager.
“If this is true, then it should logically follow that men will be driven on average more than women to kill themselves because of:
one. Greater instinct to ignore personal safety and face danger
si. Greater instinct to protect others (and greater shame for not doing so)
do. A lower sense of entitlement to receive help or protection from others.”
Towards a more scientific and effective approach to reducing male suicide
The approach of Dr. Seager offers important guidance for clinicians as well as men and their families.
By simply allowing archetypal gender differences to be explored, understood, and honored, gender-specific solutions to male suicide can indeed be found. Here are some important points:
- Carl Jung spoke of archetypal patterns that evolved within the human species and were shared within a “collective unconscious.”
- Jung’s thinking was clearly influenced by the ancient Chinese concept of ‘Yin’ and ‘Yang’ in which femininity (an aspect of ‘Yin’) is seen alongside masculinity (an aspect of ‘Yang’) as a complementary system of opposites within the physical universe. .
- Dr. Seager suggests the following simple and practical instinctual, evolutionarily based, male archetypes:
- Battle and victory.
- Provision and protection.
- Maintaining sovereignty and self-control.
- These archetypes contribute to a sense of male identity, honor and power. To the extent that a man feels that these elements are lacking, he will feel the opposite of male shame and failure.
My own experiences and research have convinced me that men’s innate propensity to maintain emotional self-control has helped men to be successful hunters during the millions of years that humans have been hunter-gatherers. Men had to fight potential threats from other men to protect our families. Men had to take risks to compete with other men in our own tribes so that women would choose us. These evolutionarily based instincts are hard-wired and even though they don’t control our behavior, we still make individual choices, they can’t be ignored.
Calling masculinity “toxic” or blaming “patriarchy” just divides and alienates us. We create more conflict between left and right, males and females, Republicans and Democrats, Us and them. We need more bridges not more walls.
I met internationally recognized scholar, futurist and activist, Riane Eisler shortly after her book, The Chalice & the Blade was published in 1987. Since then we have been friends and colleagues. He said,
“Beneath the great surface diversity of human civilization lie two basic models of society. The first, which I call the sovereign model, is what is popularly called either patriarchy or matriarchy—the ranking of one half of humanity against the other. The second, in which social relations can best be described as the partnership model. In this model – starting from the most fundamental difference in our species, between male and female – difference is not equated with either inferiority or superiority.”
Why an archetypal approach to male depression and suicide works best
For some clinicians, men’s innate desire to fight and win, to protect women and children, and to control our emotions are considered “toxic” or “harmful”. They try and encourage men to change and express themselves in different ways. The approach of Dr. Seager is different:
“Supposing men average are more likely than women to be driven to ‘fight, protect’ and ‘maintain dominance/self-control’, then it is clear that the effort to encourage men collectively “Opening up, being vulnerable” and “seeking help” potentially violates deep-seated male instincts. Such an approach may even increase men’s sense of shame and failure.’
Dr. Seager concludes that we have a choice between two divergent approaches:
- Socially challenging and reconstructing male behavior and masculinity itself as negative stereotype through educational methods aimed at teaching males to seek help and share feelings more openly (i.e. changing masculinity).
- Changing societal attitudes and responses to men and boys to create more empathy for masculinity as a positive part of the human spectrum, while providing male-friendly services for men and boys that honor masculinity archetype and to offer new and better ways of expression (ie changing society).
In support of the second of the two approaches, Dr. Seager says:
“I regret that our profession seems to be no better than the rest of society in that men and boys also have needs and issues that arise from their gender. Discussing this subject always brings unwarranted resistance and even sometimes hostility. That in itself shows the need to continue to push the issue forward.”
My father was lucky enough to survive a first approach health care system that never worked for him, eventually finding his way into a system that accepted his inherent drive to take risks to support his family. I wrote about his journey in my book, My Distant Dad: Healing the Wound of the Father of the Family and an article, “My Father’s Stay at God’s Hotel: A Slow-Medicine Approach to Healing Mental Illness.”
The Moonshot For Mankind: Male-Positive Programs for Men and Their Families
I started MenAlive after the birth of our first son, Jemal, on November 21, 1969, and our daughter, Angela, on March 22, 1972. Fifty years ago, there were very few programs that focused on men’s mental, emotional, and relational health. Now that’s a lot. Three years ago I invited several colleagues who I knew offered new and effective approaches to helping men to join me in creating a central hub for the thousands of organizations now available.
Visit us on our website, MoonshotForMankind.org. Here are some of the organizations that have joined our movement:
ManTherapy.org: Man Therapy is an evidence-based, decades-long, multidisciplinary effort to break down stigma, improve help-seeking behavior, and reduce male suicide. And they have the statistics to back it up. Learn more here.
MenLiving.org: MenLiving offers programs and experiences to help create a world of healthy, purposeful, connected men who can heal and thrive. Learn more here.
Men and Boys Compassion Initiative (MBCI) is an international movement that helps men and boys cultivate their compassionate selves. This also requires cultivating the courage and wisdom to heal the male disconnection crisis.
You can learn more about Martin Seager’s work at Center for Men’s Psychology.
We need more programs for men that are evolutionarily-archetypally informed. You can learn more at MenAlive.com and MoonshotForMankind.org. If you like articles like this, I invite you to subscribe.
