You asked and we will answer.
Question 1: How to communicate with a partner who doesn’t want to try something new
This will depend on why your partner doesn’t want to try something new. There’s a difference between someone who feels satisfied with their current sex life and doesn’t care about their partner’s experiences – also known as a ‘selfish lover’ – and someone who feels insecure, shy or has experienced sexual or religious trauma and therefore needs some support in these conversations. The following assumes that your loved one needs support to navigate something that is new to her and how to make her feel more comfortable.
- Safe space
Create a safe space to express concerns, feelings, and desires in a way that doesn’t leave you or your partner feeling judged. You can develop mutual agreements about scheduling time for these thoughtful conversations and how to handle responding to what you share, including mismatches of desires. For example, the space to validate without agreeing to unwanted activity might look like: “Thank you for sharing that this is something you like/would like to try. I’m not comfortable with/interested in trying X [right now] but we can find ways to satisfy your wishes.”
- Determine what is happening to them
Support your partner in understanding what is causing their reluctance. They may have fears, insecurities or past experiences that affect their mindset. By understanding these concerns, you can address them with compassion and find common ground. If they have experienced trauma in the past, read on Intimacy after trauma for some tools.
- Mix up the dynamics
If you’re used to expressing interests that your partner has rejected or shut down, invite them to consider their own desires. This might look like (1) showing them some yes/no/maybe lists to expose them to ideas from which they can choose or, (2) if they are using erotic material, asking to learn more about their genre choices to better understand their preferences. Even if your partner claims they are not interested in other activities, inviting them to discuss what they like about what you both know they enjoy can help them gain further inspiration.
- Offer educational resources
People may feel a lot of pressure to meet a partner’s demands right now. Relieve that pressure by letting your partner know that there’s something you’re interested in and would like to give them more information about so they can take time alone to learn more. Then agree on a date to answer questions, discuss what’s going on for those involved, and possibly explore more resources together or try it out.
- Seek support
No matter how amazing we are at our communication techniques and how much care we give, tensions can arise. If you feel like you’re hitting a wall, consider seeking professional guidance. Coaches and therapists can facilitate conversations between you and your partners in a way that is difficult to do on your own.
Question 2: How can I prevent my partner from using a game?’
The first is to understand why partners may be afraid of using sex toys in the first place. Here are two fears that can help you understand your partner so you can better use the advice from Question 1 to introduce this new activity.
- Fear of replacement
ONE vibrator,vibrator,sleeve,cock ring etc. he can’t play a human again because he has a different function than us. Toys provide physical stimulation while people provide companionship, care, support, warmth and more. Let your partner know that play is a tool that must be used with it is not a way to get rid of them.
Make sure your partner is involved when a toy is used. This can look like holding a vibrator to your clit while they suck your nipples and scratch your back, or they control the toy and tease you with it (among other examples). Let them know what you want from them to enhance the experience – especially activities that a game won’t offer.
- Insecurity about his sexual abilities
Sometimes naming what someone fears can make it less scary, so let’s be honest: games can do things that humans can’t. A game can often last longer at a steady pace and provide, in some cases, more intense stimulation than parts of the human body. Wanting to use toys that enhance one’s sexual experience is not a reflection of one’s skill, but rather one’s openness to maximizing pleasure for all. Make the conversation about the possibilities for pleasure, not the shortcomings.
Keep your questions coming! We are happy to answer.
