For as long as I can remember, sleeping apart from your partner – known as a “sleep divorce” – has had a negative connotation. Like the couple may be breaking up or that they have given up on night sex and intimacy. We all have an image in our head of what a healthy couple looks like, and it probably includes sharing a bed every night.
But I don’t think that’s true, actually – that sleeping apart spells the doom of the relationship (or sex). At least it doesn’t capture the reality of all couples. I know people who live happily this way. The Better Sleep Council* reports that 1 in 5 couples sleep apart most or all of the time, so I’d love to explore this from a different angle:
There are relationships benefits should we sleep apart?
A couple’s sex life can improve by sleeping in separate rooms?
Spoiler: if it means that every person sleeps better this way, the answer to both questions might be yes.
Bad sleep, bad sex
Sleep is the foundation of mental health, but it’s also the foundation of relationship health. When we don’t get enough sleep, we:
- Experience more relationship conflict
- You have more erectile dysfunction and lower libido
- You can’t be so easily sexually aroused
I could go on, but you get the point: poor sleep is toxic to any relationship – and your sex life.
And yet…tons of us sleep in the same bed, despite legal sleep disruptors. For example:
- One partner snores or uses a CPAP machine, which keeps the other partner awake at night
- One or both of you are on nighttime baby duty, getting up often to soothe an infant
- One partner works the night shift, waking the other partner when they come home
- One partner should lie on the bed, waking the other with their movements
- One partner wants to sleep with the TV on, while the other craves silence and darkness
- Restless legs or frequent trips to the bathroom keep one or both of you tossing and turning
- Stress and anxiety keep one partner awake thinking while the other sleeps soundly
- Different sleep schedules, such as one partner being an owl and the other an early riser, disrupt each other’s sleep
- Pets or children in bed that take up space or wake you up during the night
No one is to blame in any of these scenarios: these are all basic realities of life. But if you can relate (or have constant sleep differences in your relationship), it might be time to take this issue more seriously.
Split sleep: the benefits for sex and your relationship
If sleeping apart means your sleep quality improves, many magical things happen:
First, your sex drive may rebound. A recent study* shows a huge correlation between sleep health and sexual function, but there are too many studies to support this.
Second, you will become a better communicator. Perhaps this is why one fifth of couples sleep apart: their daily interactions are just more enjoyable that way.
Third, you will be in a better mood, with less anxiety and depression. And when you are less agitated, you have more patience and warmth for your partner.
The bottom line is: when your sleep improves, YOU improve. If prioritizing a full, restful night’s sleep means you wake up with more energy, balanced hormone and neurotransmitter levels, and more excitement for your partner, I can practically guarantee that your sex life will reflect that. It’s much easier to get turned on, get an erection, and feel sexual when you’re well rested.
But devil’s advocate – if you slept apart, could it disrupt your relationship and sex in other ways?
Sleeping apart: the downsides for sex and your relationship
As I look at the research, the top two sex and relationship cons for this setup seem to be:
Feeling lonely. If closeness doesn’t exist in a relationship, breaking up could make the problem worse. You may sleep better, but if you don’t plan to nurture closeness in other ways and ritualize time together, it could create a roommate atmosphere.
If sleeping apart improves your sleep health but makes one or both of you feel lonely at night, try creating intentional time together. This could look like taking walks together after dinner, taking turns planning weekly dates, or even sex-oriented activities like Yes No Maybe List. When you remove physical closeness in one area of life, you can restore it in other areas.
Feeling resentful. If you’re ready to declare, “I’m sleeping in a separate room from now on,” you may feel like this situation was imposed on you—and that’s a recipe for resentment.
To me, this is a communication issue. How can both partners talk more kindly to each other so that you work to solve a problem – not punish each other?
Here’s a milder version of this conversation, from the partner who has more trouble sleeping: “Hey, my sleep is really suffering right now. I want to have more energy with you, and I also want to have better sex with you. Can we experiment with different ideas to restore my sleep?’
How to sleep better, for better sex
Potential downsides aside, let’s be real for a second. Financially, it doesn’t work for many of us to carve out an entire separate room for sleeping. In some ways, the “stay together, sleep apart” trend is based on the assumption that you have the home, the resources, and the extra space to do so. This is simply not the case for many people.
So whether you decide to sleep apart or not, what are some things you can do now to improve your sleep – and reap the benefits of better sex?
Take a sleep supplement. Not EVERY solution to better sex needs to end up in a product… actually. Sometimes, though, just getting a good night’s sleep can clear your mind enough to tackle the problem more holistically.
My personal favorite – VIIA – features a sleep line that includes both THC and non-THC options to help you finally get some rest. If cannabis isn’t your thing, try popping it Zen CBD Sleep Gummies about 30 minutes before bed for a good night’s sleep without the worry in the AM.
Masturbate. You knew I would recommend it! Orgasms trigger the release of oxytocin and prolactin, two neurotransmitters that help you sleep. At the same time, cortisol production decreases after orgasm, so that residence asleep. I have one caressing oral sex for those who have a penis I’m pretty excited about, and a super popular wand which is currently for sale in my store – see the rave reviews.
Check your hormone levels. Hormone levels fluctuate with age, and this is especially true for perimenopausal and menopausal women. Progesterone is the hormone that helps induce good sleep, and when this is thrown off, insomnia is much more common.
Check your hormone levelsand if they’re fluctuating, talk to your doctor about solutions to help restore a) your hormone levels or b) your sleep quality.
Watch your caffeine. Especially if you consume it after 5 pm. The same goes for alcohol: while it may induce sleep initially, it acts as a stimulant a few hours after consumption.
Here are 12 more lifestyle tips from the Harvard Division of Sleep Medicine to improve sleep. Screenshot these!
I would love to hear from you on this. How does sleep affect your sex life? Have you ever tried sleeping apart to improve your sleep – and by extension, your sex and relationship?
One more thing: if this is the kind of topic where you crave real conversations from other people, consider joining my new community app, SmartSX. It’s a place where you can explore personal issues just like this and hear from other community members who have been through it. Plus live workshops and AMA’s! Safe space, great vibes, sexual people who want to be better lovers, with better sex. Join the email list here and be the first to know when it drops.
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