Hello beautiful people out there, I am struggling to write for several months as too much have happened around me. New life lessons, new situations for dealing with and constantly accepting life as it is. It still gets a tax on me when I have to accept some things, even basics such as the idea of happiness or just be “normal”. Don’t get me wrong, from normal, I mean a life after delay so much shit in life. Those of you who have constantly read my blog have seen my mental health journey. It still gets a tax on me if I have to be in a crowd for a long time, or if I don’t get my “time”. Then I just closed myself in my comfortable little room and I do nothing, only me, my books and my baby puzo dog. In any case, after the concentration so much courage, today I am finally writing my heart after almost 5 months!
Recently I got a new tattoo -॥ अंतः अस्ति प्रारंभः ॥ – which means “At every end. There’s a new beginning.” It feels like the perfect reflection of my trip so far. My depression has turned me into a mental health lawyer. My trauma taught me who to trust and what to welcome in my life. And maybe the greatest lesson of all, life is not a fairy tale. It is full of bruises and cuts, but it is through what you truly discover the true meaning of life. For me, you are going to stay raw, stay real and learn to accept life as it is. There were days when my body signaled me to take a day away, but I didn’t hear because I was very perfect at work. I found that they escape somehow easier. Then one day, I closed and finally talked to myself and realized: Girl, I’m not back, and I’m not broken. I’m just in my own story where I still learn to rest! I don’t have to be hard for myself just to escape or feel less alone. And then this passage sticks with me: “Sometimes you just have to retreat, not because you are weak, but because you heal silence, rebuilding your power in a language that only your soul understands.”
There are days when I have to remind myself again and again in the chaos of work, family, relationships and mom dog, that I need to be nothing now. Being more than enough. And it’s not that I am a strong soul now and nothing is blocking me anymore, this is not the case. There are days, even when life becomes okay, that my body still brings sadness, fear and fatigue from years of survival to alert. But what is different is that I finally have room to feel the things I never had the time or permission to feel before. This reminds me that I am also human and the treatment, of course, is not linear. Sometimes, he feels like that:
You’re in a safe, hot home now. But they are still echo from the cold nights you survived. When it rains out, you remember how he felt that he was exposed. This is this.
(Rainy days make it easier to put my feelings in words, sometimes with a little poetry, sometimes with a few tears.)
Also resonate with this dialogue from the most recent Superhuman Movie that softened something inside me: “There you always made a mistake for me. Lex. I am as man as everyone. I love. I am afraid. I wake up every morning and even when I don’t know what to do. I put a foot in front of the other. The moment I heard these words, I felt deep. Because that’s exactly what I feel as survivors. People often look at me and say, “Wow, you’re so strong.” And while I appreciate it, I don’t always see myself in this way. I don’t wake up every morning I feel brave or invincible. Some days I wake up with fears, doubts and the burden of memories I wish to forget. But as Superman says, being human means to feel all: love, fear, uncertainty and we still choose to take the next step. I stumble, make mistakes, I question myself, but I continue to move on. And maybe this is where the real power is, not to never break, but in finding the courage to rise again, no matter how many times your life beats you down.
There is so much noise around me, always trying to shape what I think, how I feel, and even how I show. Some days, it’s almost impossible to be the same. I know that the desire to fit is human, but I also know that real belonging cannot come if it means to lose pieces of who I really am. And this is what I often forget: I am still an ongoing project, I still learn and overflow every day. Maybe that’s why it got me so much to write this blog. But if there is one thing I really try to say through these words is this: no matter how loud the noise gets or how many people are trying to calm you down, keep going. Don’t let anyone reduce the truth about who you are because you are important, just as you are.
For me, survival is not about perfection or some uninterrupted power. It is about being a man in the most raw way, dirty, vulnerable, incomplete. So, my friend, I have come to see myself as a flower. Some flowers bloom all at the same time, and others open slowly, horseshoe from the horseshoe. This was my journey. I can take my time, but I will bloom, because I am the kind of flower that still finds a way to grow even after a forest fire. And maybe, maybe, this is my strength. I learn that it doesn’t matter how long it takes or how dirty the process looks. Growth is not intended to hurry. What matters is that I continue to appear for myself, a horseshoe, a breath, one step at a time. And if you are reading this, you may need the reminder: You still become, you still unfold, still worth it – just as you are today. The world needs your flourishing, with your own time, in your own way.
To all the beautiful people out there, I will finish this blog with a quote that is close to my heart:
“If you read a book where you could never turn back a page. You will slow down. You will pay attention and enjoy every moment – knowing that you will only live it once.
Sending a lot of love, hope, courage and power – until next time. ♥
