For many of us, Thanksgiving brings its own kind of magic. The smell of good food. The familiar chaos. The laughter that rises from rooms where aunts gather and cousins reconnect. Next to the joy, however, there is something else: the tension, the expectations, the comments that arrive dressed as concern but land as a crisis. The holidays can be equal parts celebration and emotional marathon.
And after a year when so many people have lost their jobs, felt overlooked or struggled to feel respected in the world, the family gathering should be a place to refuel. This is the time when we should be able to draw strength from each other, not walk away feeling drained or diminished.
Start with yourself
Before we talk about what to tell others, let’s talk about what you need. You don’t need to express gratitude that you don’t feel. You don’t have to shrink to make others comfortable. And you don’t have to explain, defend, or justify your life choices over sweet potato pie.
Consider your limits before you walk through that door. What topics are off limits? What will you redirect? What will you simply choose not to deal with? Having a plan is not pessimistic. It’s self care.
And here’s something powerful: you can be the one to shift the energy by shaping the kind of conversation you want to have. Try opening up space by sharing your own trip first. “I’m thinking a lot about my health this year and making some changes” creates space for others to share if they want, without putting anyone on the spot.
For Family Members: Questions to Ask (and Avoid)
Some questions are like love. Others feel like checks. Here is the difference:
Instead of asking: “So when are you going to calm down?” “Why are you still single?” “Don’t you want kids?”
Essay: “How have you been taking care of yourself lately?” “What brings you joy right now?” “What are you excited about?”
Instead of: “Why did you and [partner’s name] breaking up?” “Are you dating anyone yet?” “You’re not getting any younger, you know.”
Say: “I’m glad you’re here with us.” “How are you, really?” Or simply, “Nice to see you.”
The goal is not to avoid all personal matters. It’s driving with care instead of curiosity. Let people share what they want to share, when they’re ready.
Honoring members of the LGBTQ+ family
If someone in your family is queer or transgender, the holidays may already be hard on them. Here’s how you can make sure they’re welcome:
Use correct names and pronouns. If you mess up, correct yourself quickly and move on.
Acknowledge their relationships with the same respect you give everyone else. Introduce partners by name. Make them a place in family photos. Treat their love as real, valid and worthy of celebration.
Don’t ask invasive questions. Questions about bodies, identity, or personal medical decisions are not appropriate dinner conversations.
Speak up when others won’t. If someone badmouths your family member or makes a disrespectful comment, say something. “Actually, they use their/their pronouns” or “That’s not how we talk about family” goes too far.
For Recent Single
Being newly single during the holidays can feel like walking into a room where everyone is watching. Don’t treat someone like they’re broken. Don’t try to set it up with your co-worker’s cousin.
Skip: “Everything happens for a reason” or “You’re better” or “At least you learned now.”
Essay: “I’m here if you want to talk. And also if you just want to eat and laugh.” Or honestly, just treat them normally. Sometimes the greatest gift is not making someone’s relationship the center of attention.
Creating space for health conversations (the right way)
The holidays can actually be a beautiful time to start conversations about wellness, but only if we do it carefully. Black women carry so much. We manage chronic conditions, navigate health care systems that don’t always see us, try to prioritize in a world that tells us to keep giving until we drop.
If you want to open a conversation about health, start with your own experience.
“I’ve learned about bone health and how important strength training is as we get older. It’s been interesting.”
“Once I realized I ordered new glasses online and they didn’t check my eyes, I just made an appointment”
“I try to move my body more, not to look different, just to feel stronger.”
This approach does two things: it shares information without preaching, and it invites people to join the conversation without forcing it. Someone might say, “Oh, I thought of that too,” or “Tell me more about that.” Or maybe not. Both are good.
What not to do: Don’t comment on anyone’s body, their plate or their health choices. Don’t use the gathering as a time to express concern about someone’s weight, food, or appearance. Don’t say things like “You’ve really gained weight” or “You look thin, are you eating?” or “Should you eat this?”
Even if it comes from love, it doesn’t land like that. It lands as a crisis. It lands as surveillance. And especially for black women, who already deal with the world policing our bodies, we need our family tables to be a refuge, not more control.
When limits are checked
Even with the best intentions, someone can push. They might ask the question you said you wouldn’t answer. They might make the comment that crosses the line.
Here are some answers that keep your limits without burning down the house:
“I appreciate your concern, but I’m not discussing that today.” “This is personal, and I’m keeping it that way.” “I hear you and I’ve handled it.” “Let’s talk about something else.”
You can say this with enthusiasm. You can tell with a smile. But you can say them firmly. You don’t have to make yourself smaller to keep calm. Real peace involves being respected.
The bigger picture
At BWHI, we believe that respect is not just about what we say. It’s about how we see each other. It’s recognizing that each person at the table is doing their best to navigate a world that isn’t always kind to us. We’ve all been through something. We all carry something.
When we communicate with this in mind, we create the kind of gathering where people can really relax. Where everyone’s humanity is honored, not just tolerated.
Your turn
What boundaries are you setting this holiday season? What conversations are you ready to have differently? Share with us on social media. We are listening. And we are here with you.
