God bless Meg Ryan. Her silver screen performance of a fake orgasm is the stuff of movie legend – but there’s more truth to it than you might think. Yes, this World Orgasm Day, we’re diving into the reality of the orgasm void.
Wondering what the ‘orgasm gap’ actually is? We talk about the disparity between men and women experiencing orgasms and like the classic London Underground platform announcement, you better be careful.
Male orgasms are usually portrayed in pop culture and casual conversation as rather simple: wham, bam, thanks ma’am. In contrast, the female orgasm is often presented as a complex, elusive and completely mysterious phenomenon.
So why does it matter if we peak? Often overlooked when dealing with health professionals, orgasms are a really important part of our overall physical and mental well-being. Not only does cumming release hormones that promote affection and act as a natural antidepressant, but it increases blood flow to the skin, boosts the immune system and is good for our cardiovascular health.
The gap has arisen as a result of sociocultural and evolutionary factors – so how can we deal with having more orgasms in our own sex lives?
1. Don’t fake it. 💦
We’ve all done it. Well, most of us. Yes, according to a study, 80% of us have faked an orgasm at least 50% of the time during vaginal intercourse. There are a number of reasons why we might resort to the method of acting like a tough Meryl Streep between the sheets:
- Shame we can’t get to the big “O”
- We worry that they may think our lack of orgasm is a negative criticism of their performance
- Speeding things up – sometimes going for hours isn’t exactly what you have to play the next day at 9am. and a new episode of Love is Blind to sneak in before
Be sure to communicate with your partner(s). Unless they’re a rare sex psychic, they most likely can’t read your mind – and we can’t expect the people we have sex with to know what makes us tick if we’re not honest. that. Faking an orgasm reinforces misconceptions about our sexual needs and desires and ultimately prolongs that orgasm gap. Sometimes it’s easier to have a conversation before you start, as it’s a less stressful situation. Ask your partner what really drives them over the edge and share what triggers your own gosh moments.
2. Talk about pleasure loud and proud. 💦
There is still a huge amount of stigma surrounding the female orgasm. Honest, open, and honest discussion about pleasure with partners and friends can help address some of the reserve, awkwardness, or shame we carry around. Many of us had less than ideal sex education in school, where the female orgasm was not focused on or even mentioned. This has left us at the mercy of OTT and misleading depictions in pornography and pop culture as a key point of reference, which can lead to a sense of inadequacy. (Side note to pornographers: most giddy people don’t scream like a banshee and quiver into orgasm at the mere thrust of a penis/toy).
Stigma can also lead to confusion about our bodies. A survey by The Eve Appeal found that women are more familiar with the male anatomy than their own. Their research found that only 35% of women were able to correctly identify the female anatomy, compared to 60% who could correctly label a diagram of the male body. This ignorance about our bodies leaves us clueless when it comes to cumming.
3. Rutting > grooves. 💦
It’s easy to get into a sexual routine. The same seats and settings can mean that an exciting Thursday night can end up as just another task on the to-do list. Stuck in a sexual rift mentally and physically? Change things up a bit.
- Start by focusing on masturbation – solo sex is for everyone, whether you’re in a relationship, dating or single and not looking. Set aside time for pleasure and focus on the senses. What kind of touch makes you feel good? Try it KAMA as a source of inspiration…
- If you’re in a relationship, embrace spontaneity. Traditionally, sex is considered over when a partner with a penis climaxes. If it’s not you, ask them to hold off (aka curbside). It requires patience and control, but can lead to mutual orgasms.
- Try games. We recommend independent boutique sex toys owned by women Self & More for an excellent range of internal and external vibrations for sex with partners or solo.
- Consider introducing lubricant into the equation. Sometimes a little extra slip where you need it can make all the difference – and ours own water-based formula it is safe to use with condoms and toys.
4. Remember to breathe. 💦
We are often not fully relaxed when we do this and without realizing it, we are actually holding our breath. This means that oxygen and blood are not flowing properly for a positive orgasmic experience.
5. Don’t fake it. 💦
If you regularly find yourself struggling to relax during sex, it may be worth exploring mindfulness. Desire is as much psychological as it is physical. In fact, it actually starts in your brain before continuing on to your bits and pieces. The principle of awareness is present: greater awareness and total immersion in the present moment. Instead of focusing on your sexual performance or orgasm as the “end goal,” turn your attention to sensations both inside and outside your body:
- How does your partner’s body feel against yours?
- Can you feel their hot breath on your skin?
- Focus on touch, your fingers on their skin and vice versa.
At the same time, using a careful audio sex guide, such as Fairly can be very useful. Their platform is designed to help women and people with vulvas cope with everything from low sex drive to removing shame.
Do they want more?
- Join the conversation at HANX Lifeour free digital safe space.
- Is the magic ‘o’ proving elusive? Find out what affects women’s libido the most here.
- Pamper yourself with natural, feminine designed sexual wellness essentials.
