The changes in a woman’s sexuality and sensuality after becoming a mother are usually not discussed. How can creating a dialogue around this help better navigate this transition?
I usually start by asking: What does being a mother mean to you? Many times the answer is relatively monotonous: a caretaker, a housewife, a woman whose life revolves around her children. Why are our ideas about mothers so singular and passive? You have to have sex to be a mother, so why aren’t mothers allowed to be considered sexual beings?
This consideration of why we believe we do the way we do is the most fundamental place to start. This inner journey often raises many questions and facilitates meaningful dialogue, not only within ourselves, but with other women in our community. Sharing our story smoothes our experience not only for us, but for all mothers.
Our culture does not celebrate the multifaceted identities of mothers. How does our preparation affect our deep understandings of sexuality in motherhood?
When you take this unlocked sensual energy that can occur in pregnancy and motherhood and hold it against society’s traditional expectations of a mother, the opposition can break down. Then add in the societal constructs of relationship expectations and the level of judgment becomes overwhelming.
Consider a single mother who had her baby “out of wedlock.” What is your immediate impression of her sensuality? Maybe “risky”? Consider a mother who has been married for 4 years and just had her baby. What is your immediate impression of her sensuality? Maybe “proud”? What if I told you that the single mother was a Nasa space engineer and the married woman is unemployed. Did your impressions change after that? Why;
Because of our preparation.
We see the world through conditioned lenses that have been a huge collaboration from our parents, our community, society, media, relationships, organized religion, school, and experience. Sex, sexuality and sensuality mean something different to everyone and depending on a woman’s “circumstances” we judge her sexual expression. For whatever reason, the sexuality of mothers is highly taboo and seems to be a public domain for judgment.
New mothers often worry about their low libido. There is something you can share to help normalize this issue and support women going through it.
On a daily basis, women have 10 times more oxytocin (the love hormone) than men. After we give birth, and for months (even years) afterward, we swim in a pool of oxytocin. We get oxytocin surges from breastfeeding, from hearing our baby cry, from kissing or smelling our children, or even just looking at them. For men, their oxytocin levels approach ours only at the moment of orgasm. After the baby, men still seek intimacy and connection because this is the only time they experience hormonal balance. However, on a biological level, we as mothers are hormonally satisfied after giving birth.
Enter the mom who is probably feeling a bit uncomfortable adjusting to her new body, swimming in a pool of oxytocin, but probably also very stressed. Stress hormones eliminate any remaining artifacts of a libido. This is the perfect formula to drastically reduce our desire for sex. Then add an equally stressed partner who, instead of swimming in a pool of oxytocin, is drowning in testosterone (the hormone of aggression and protection). Whenever the baby cries, dad gets a spike in testosterone (instead of oxytocin), which makes sense biologically because they need to be able to protect the nest from threats and intruders. Put either of these parents in a bedroom on date night, and mom will be pumping with oxytocin and stress hormones at the thought of baby, and dad will still be trying to find air in the ocean of testosterone. It’s a recipe for disaster and is one of the best examples of nature’s sense of humor.
But rest assured, this is actually a smart plan by nature: the high levels of oxytocin circulating in mom and testosterone in dad keep us focused on caring for our children and ensuring their survival. Additionally, sad libidos help prevent pregnancy too quickly, which would jeopardize the vitality and survival of the next generation of our species! Well done nature!
Having sex and feeling sensual can mean very different things. It is not uncommon for women with young children to have sex with their partners out of guilt or as an attempt to regain their sensuality. But looking for your sensuality in a partner can prove futile if you don’t have access to it from within. What practices can a woman follow to connect with and celebrate her sensuality?
My first and most important recommendation is to ask yourself: What brings you pleasure? Whatever it is, do more. Find the time. Share your answers with your partner with zero expectations. But until we can fully answer that question, where do we start?
The first thing I see in my practice is that the mind is not connected to the body. At a fundamental level, this is huge. We need to do things that connect us to our bodies in order to open the gates to sensuality — and many times this is best achieved with gentle practices done alone.
Vegetable body oil it’s a tried and true practice that allows us to fall into our bodies and remind ourselves that our skin loves to be loved. I designed it Secrets Women Share Sensual Herbal Body Oil especially for women who want to redefine their sensuality and sexuality. I oil my body daily (most herbalists and wild women I know do too) for the main reason that it’s the quickest and easiest way to spark vitality and creativity both in and out of the bedroom. The targeted botanicals in this formula support energy, reproductive well-being, feelings of safety and calm, promote healthy circulation and act as a gentle aphrodisiac. Used alone or with a partner, this oil allows us to connect and celebrate our inner flame.
