It’s an inevitable fact of life that as your children get older they spend less time with you. And it’s perfectly healthy for them to do so. They must navigate their own path, build relationships with others, and learn from the mistakes they make. This is all part of growing up. But as a parent, it can be so hard to let go. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and the ways you can stay connected with your teenage son. And I say son specifically, because as a mom of a teenage boy, I notice this relationship changing with my son much more than it does with my teenage daughter.
I want to share with you some of the things I do to keep the mother son relationship strong to give you some ideas to help you stay connected with your teenage son or at least make you feel like someone else understands how difficult this relationship change is. I’m not perfect and I don’t claim to be (is there even a perfect parent!?!) this is just my take on things and how I navigate being a mom of a teenage son.
Mother son relationships
I have an absolutely unbreakable bond with my teenage son. In many ways we are very similar. We share the same sense of humor and are both masters of sarcasm. We just look at each other and we know exactly what the other is thinking, and often it’s a little inappropriate. And we’re both a bit of a curmudgeon, although these days I definitely control it a lot better than he does!
When he was little, he was what you would call “mummy’s boy”. He loved spending time with me, playing with his toys, going on adventures in the garden together, doing crafts together and then when he was a bit older playing computer games together like Minecraft. I have such fond memories of us both sitting on the floor in the living room completing challenges and I can still picture the look of joy on his face as he beat his mom. A common occurrence I might add.
So when that started to disappear, when he started hiding in his room more, when he started playing Call of Duty with his friends, when all I got out of him were grunts and “what’s for dinner”, I won’t lie, it was heartbreaking. Because trying to stay connected to your teenage son isn’t easy. Not when they make it hard for you to stay connected, or give you time to interact, or actually be a person you like all the time. Let’s remember, we always love our kids, but there may be times when we don’t particularly like them, and it’s totally okay to admit that.
There are times when I feel like all I do is whine…put on your shoes, pick up those wet towels, empty your bin, open your curtains, put those dishes down. And when that’s the only interaction you have, not only is it completely exhausting, but it doesn’t exactly motivate you to want to spend more time with each other.
A lot of it is about mindset. Children grow, times change and you as a parent must change with them. Otherwise, the connection really starts to disappear. The fact is, our relationship has never been broken, it’s just changed. And the one lesson I had to learn is to first accept it and then change with it. And one of the best ways I’ve found to deal with this change is to look for and appreciate the sparkles.
Vacation booking time
Vacations are very precious to me. I work hard mainly to have a great vacation. It is very important to me to share the world with my children, to open their eyes to the fact that there are so many places to explore and to be able to spend quality time with them. No matter what struggles we have at home, whenever we go on vacation we come together and reunite as a family. It’s a very special moment.
As the years have gone by, we’ve also had to adjust how we interact with each other on vacation. Teenagers are notoriously not great at getting up in the morning, so I had to learn to let it go and instead go to the breakfast buffet without him. If he loses it, then that’s his problem, not mine. Just like letting go of control is my thing, not his.
We have all come to respect the need for alone time and have recognized how important it is for us to have our own space. And it’s about compromise, right? He can do whatever he wants during the day, but we always eat together. This is something we even do at home. It’s a time when we sit together and eat and find that comfortable space to talk.
What’s really great though, is how the holidays give us a chance to be with each other without the pressures of work or college or the other everyday things that go on. And with this relaxed state of mind, we feel much more compelled to do things together, like share a round of golf (well, okay, I was his team, but it’s still time together), we can play padel together (in 40 degree heat!) and we can split up so that if two of us want to do something, the other two can go and do something else. It’s easy, and that’s what the holidays should be, easy family time, just hanging out and spending time together.
And that afternoon we spent together, him playing golf, me driving the golf cart (so much fun!) was pretty cool. He had taken his own clubs, golf shoes, all suitable equipment etc. with him as we knew beforehand that there was a golf course at the hotel we were staying at. So he was pro and then I’m in full tourist mode with the shorts, vest and zips. I cheered in all the right places, tried to spot balls when they went off course and raised the flag when it came up onto the greens. We laughed together, made fun of each other, got drenched in the sprinklers and had a good chat. A real opportunity for good quality time for mom, it was great.
Shared Interests = Shared Connections
I was never one of those pushy parents who forced their kids to go to a bunch of clubs, learn all the instruments, or take them in taxis to a million different activities. Kudos to those parents who do this by the way. I’ll never know how you manage to keep it on top of that, because that in itself is like a full-time job. But that was never how I rolled.
And don’t even get me started on the cost. Not only from the activities themselves, but also the things you need to put them out. There are football boots, and not just a pair of football boots, they need molded studs, removable studs and of course turf boots. Then there are scout uniforms and wet weather gear and camping gear for when they go hiking. Then of course there are all the new accessories needed when using the latest… Come on, how can you play padel if you don’t have a decent pair padel shoes!?!
As I say, hats off to you if you spend the time and money to make sure your child is entertained and enriched every hour of the day. You are a much better mom than me!
Fortunately for my husband and I, both kids were happy doing just one hobby at a time. For my son it was football and for my daughter it was drama. As my son grew older, he began to choose his own hobbies. Things he wanted to try because he was genuinely interested, not just because his parents thought it would be good for him. And so the passion grows.
Now he’s learning electric guitar, playing golf and going to the gym, all by choice. And it’s so cool to see that passion grow in him. He clearly loves all three, because if you get him talking about them, you’ll be there for hours.
Cherish the moments and stay connected with your teenage son
So for me, staying connected to your teenage son is mostly about cherishing the moments, or flashes, that you have with them. Whether it’s spending time in the gym with him laughing at me because I can’t lift heavy weights and have no idea what all the machines are for let alone use them the right way. Being his puppet and not knowing what the hell he’s doing when he talks about hitting a ‘Mulligan’ (I still don’t know what that means!). Listening to rock music with him as he points out the guitar riff he’s learning at the time and honestly has no idea what I’m listening to but enthusiastically nods in all the places I think are right.
There was one particularly great breakfast on vacation, the last morning we were actually there, where he woke up as early as I did (we’re talking 6am early – guess who had breakfast that day haha). So instead of waking the others, we snuck down to the 24 hour bar, with our laptops and sat and worked together for a few hours. Both with a coffee, both with headphones, him doing some revision, me doing some blog work. There was only occasional chatter, mostly just the two of us sitting there in silence, but even that felt like something we bonded over. A mutual ease and enjoyment of each other’s company.
These little moments are priceless. And I love them even at home. He’s learning to drive right now, so we’re still in teenage taxi mode, but I actually kind of like the hours I have to drive him places. That’s when we have our conversations. When he tells me about his day, what he did, what he thinks about things happening in the world. And I will miss this when it can be released on its own. Maybe I should start asking him to take me for a ride!
Teenage sons don’t always make it easy, but the secret is to treasure the sparkles. Because they add something unforgettable and unbreakable. Stay interested in what they’re doing and you’ll stay connected. Ultimately, they just want to be noticed, make you proud and receive your love and that’s something that never changes.
How do you stay connected with your teenage son?
Thank you so much for reading my post, it always means the world. Now it’s time to listen to you. I would love to know how you stay connected with your teenage son.
You can comment and follow me at:
Or leave me a friendly comment below.
*products donated by adidas
Author biography
Becky Stafferton is a full-time content creator, web publisher and blog strategy coach. It constantly strives to promote a realistic, sustainable and positive image of how to live a healthy life. When she’s not writing, she can be found running through muddy puddles, making lists of lists, having a good whine, talking in funny voices to her dog, renovating her country house, and teaching small business owners how to successfully use blogging in their businesses.
