Even at a young age I could feel the power of my anger and how it set me apart from others. I observed other sons interacting with their fathers and saw that they loved and supported them. As a result, they had a calm, patient fullness that I admired. My father seemed to enjoy my mistakes as an opportunity to belittle me and aggrandize himself.
At twenty-eight, my life broken by alcohol and drugs, I came to the conclusion that I needed help. I decided I didn’t want to destroy myself like the old man did. How could I stay sober and deal with my anger, anxiety, depression, and shame? Today I’m going to tell you how I learned to deal with my anger better and how you can too!
Self-compassion
If you have trauma, an essential first step in dealing with anger is to have self-compassion. Self-forgiveness is essential for spiritual growth and recovery. You deserve a better life. You don’t deserve what happened to you. Understanding this was my first step towards health and a happier life. I wasn’t a “piece of shit”. I didn’t deserve to be mistreated and I had to stop blaming myself!
Responsibility
The next step is accountability. Your trauma is not your fault, but your anger is something you must learn to take responsibility for. Being aware of how your anger affects others is essential to progress—and you can develop better ways of responding.
Self care
Part of self-compassion is practicing disciplined self-care. With untreated trauma, we don’t believe in the importance of treating ourselves well. Failure to do so lowers self-esteem and increases anger. Another step to regulating my anger was to take better care of myself. If I get enough sleep, eat well and exercise enough, then I am likely to present the best version of myself. If I’m tired, haven’t worked out for a while and I’m eating poorly, then I’m prone to losing my temper.
Self-Check-In
We can also track anger on a 0–10 continuum: 0 = completely calm, 10 = dysregulated. When I sleep well, eat regularly and exercise, my number tends to stay lower. Fatigue, junk food and inactivity push it into the danger zone. Regular self-checks help to catch and contain anger before it becomes difficult to control. Do self-examination throughout the day, say three to five times, first thing in the morning, at noon in the morning, and so on.
Emotional regulation
If at any point you find your irritation rising from the low end of the zero to ten scale, then take corrective action. Take a break from whatever is irritating you and do square breathing: inhale through your nose for six seconds, hold for four seconds, then exhale for about eight seconds, emptying your lungs. Repeat four times or more if necessary. Listen to a relaxing song or go for a brisk, brisk walk. Then go back and redo the commit. Remember, taking responsibility and managing your anger effectively will help you deal with it permanently.
Stress management
Stress is often unavoidable, but you can reduce its impact. Create routines that support calmness: a consistent bedtime, a short evening nap, and time for activities that replenish you (walking, reading, journaling). I used to sleep in until the last possible moment and then get out the door late for work, already cranky and stressed. Now I aim for adequate sleep with quiet mornings and time to start the day in a constructive spirit. Remember, progress is a collection of small, consistent habits.
Anger management
Another key to better managing our anger is to stop “feeding on our grudges.” Learning to do this was a big factor in helping me better control my anger. Most of us form our resentment based on our expectations and judgment of others. Breaking the cycle of resentful thinking leads us to resolve the conflict we have with others. When they don’t meet our expectations, anger rises. We ruminate with accusatory thoughts like “how could they do this!?”. It is beneficial to think about why they reacted the way they did. Find out what the other person’s perspective is, then seek compromise and resolution. The more you practice this, the better you will get at it and the faster you will get rid of your anger.
Get away from ungodly people
I avoid negative, disrespectful people. Disrespect hits the marks my father left. I don’t keep ungodly people in my life as a general strategy. I have also learned to walk away from negative, disrespectful people I happen to meet. Negativity is a poison I cannot afford to drink, as despite my best intentions, being around negative people tends to make me negative too. Life is too short to spend it with a negative mindset.
Some hills aren’t worth dying for
It’s always worth asking yourself if a conflict is worth fighting for. Some hills are worth dying for, other fights definitely not. A stray dish left in the sink, a dirty towel on the floor can be annoying, but none are worth a big blow up. Sometimes walking away is the easiest and most logical thing to do.
Do not drink the poison
A useful way to think about anger and resentment is the old adage, “being angry is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Or visualize a crown of thorns surrounding your head. As your anger rises, your head expands and the thorns sink deeper. Learning to manage our anger better helps us live happier lives, enjoying ourselves and other people. The better we manage it, the better we feel. Anger can be managed with a dedicated and thoughtful approach. Less anger means a happier, healthier life!
Please seek professional support when anger feels out of control. If you are overly aggressive, hurt others, have persistent mood disorders or overwhelming trauma symptoms.
Some useful links below:
PTSD Screening Form
Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) Questionnaire.
Information on Trauma Informed Care
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Previously Posted on substack
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