Romance is taking the world by storm. As an avid reader myself, I can attest to the way this genre—a combination of high fantasy and romance with a healthy dose of grime—has become inescapable in recent years, whether you’re browsing the romance favorites lists on BookTok or browsing the romance table at your local Barnes & Noble. A Court of Thorns and Roses (and its many sequels), Fourth Wing, From Blood and Ashesand Mercury are just a few of the pioneers of this subgenre, but new entries seem to come out every day. Romantasy is becoming what paranormal romance was in the late 2000s-early 2010s: the genre of the decade.
It’s also perhaps the first time we’ve seen a romantic and sex-heavy genre go fully mainstream. And because that popularity is driven by a mostly female fan base, there’s also been a lot of nagging — along with genuine curiosity about how romance might affect our sex lives IRL.
The benefits are many, experts say. “I’ve met several patients who have been very open and vocal about their love of certain romance authors and book series, almost to the point of presenting as a mild addiction,” sex and relationship therapist Dr. Karen StewartPsyD, says SheKnows. Her clients love these books because they can “indulge their every fantasy,” from what their dream partner would look like to how they’d like to be treated themselves, as well as sexy, fantasy scenarios that could never play out in the real world. “Boosting the release of serotonin and dopamine from sexual content can create feelings of sexual arousal that can lead to anything from a warm smile on their face thinking about what they’ve just read, to amazing masturbation material.” Some of her clients tell her they use their romance books as fantasies during sex with their partners, too.
Of course, this kind of reading material is not new new. Women have loved romance novels and romance for centuries, Dr. Stewart points out. (Remember the old “bodice ripper” covers?) The difference these days is that the craving for romance — and especially hot, shallow scenes — is much more open, and women are reaping the benefits.
“Clinically, I see a positive impact on women’s sex lives in the form of a renewed sense of sexual empowerment,” Couples and Sex Therapist Gabby Jimerson says SheKnows. “This genre — in all its chosen heroines meets a tortured, darkly fatal mate through forced proximity to glory — has a way of helping women connect with their sexual selves.” For many women, that means feeling freer to want, enjoy and ask for sex, Jimmerson explains. Romance can also be a way back in desire for women who have felt cut off from their sexual selves, says sex and relationship therapist and author Tammy Nelson, PhD.
Then there is the safety aspect. With these books, many romance readers feel they can explore parts of their sexuality without shame, judgment, or guilt, in a way that they can choose and stop at any time. “It’s playful,” explains Sarah Sumner, LCSW, sex and relationship therapist and clinical supervisor at Empowered Fulfillment Therapy. Maybe not actually you want to come into contact with a werewolf, for example, but the sense of danger — without actually it’s at risk — it’s activation. With romance, Sumner notes, this feeling “can be consensually recreated.” Jotting down the things that turn you on can also give you ideas for rekindling your relationship IRL or clarifying what’s missing from it.
The downside? That crash back into real life when we inevitably have to close the book, Nelson says. You might start comparing your partner to the hero of your romantic world, an ideal they can’t hope to live up to, especially if you don’t communicate your desires to them, says Nelson.
Speaking of unrealistic expectations, there are some popular romance tropes that just can’t be recreated in the real world. “Romantic stories about opening wings, a partner’s ability to just know what their partner wants, even the ease of sexual compatibility all make for great storytelling,” Jimmerson points out. “But real relationships and real intimacy come with context, require communication, and involve real bodies.”
The reason the romance flows so smoothly is that the writer has the ability to move past all the difficult, unsexy parts, what Sumner calls “the messiness of real intimacy.” This can be the time it takes for desire to build or the communication involved in understanding what you and your partner want. “Depending on the content, romance novels can also create unrealistic expectations around pleasure and foreplay,” she says. Some narratives can perpetuate harmful stereotypes, from instant stimulation to non-consensual power dynamics or messaging about what bodies “should” look like or do. “Shoulds are never sexy,” Sumner points out.
What romance can do for our sex lives is to provide empowerment, entertainment and inspiration – not instruction, says Jimmerson. “Overall, romance can be a wonderful leap into self-discovery and empowerment. The only word of caution is to remember that fiction is not real life,” she explains. “True intimacy and connection requires communication, effort and honesty because, unfortunately, even the most committed partners lack mind-reading abilities with a fatal partner.”
