Recently, I’ve had days where I’ve been useless due to bipolar disorder. My brain turned to rock. I couldn’t think about it if I was tired. And thanks to my brain’s inability to think, I also couldn’t work. Trying to do anything – and I mean anything – brought nothing but heartbreak. And all that lack of productivity brought a lot of self-flagellation. I have to learn to forgive myself when I’m useless because of bipolar disorder.
Why Does Bipolar Disorder Make You Useless?
Bipolar disorder can make you useless in a number of ways. For example, if you are terribly depressed, it is very normal to not be able to do anything. You drag your body from place to place, unable to find a single bit of energy. This is not even referring to suicide. When you’re dealing with suicide, it tends to overtake your reality and everything else comes in a distant second.
That’s not exactly what happened to me, though. Yes, I was depressed, but not more than often. I think what happened was an increase in cognitive load to the point where my brain just caught up. A number of emotional events happened in the last month. I ran away from them, trying to avoid them damaging my brain. However, as most people know, running from life events does not work. You have to stay and face them at some point. Your body will punish you if you don’t do it willingly. This happened to me. I ran and ran. I tired myself out. my brain could no longer escape the impact of my own life. All this resulted in not only a useless brain but also a useless body.
I beat myself up when I’m useless
I hate being useless, no matter the reason. Really, I could have broken both legs and arms, and I’d still be beating myself up for not doing anything.
I know why this happens. It happens because I judge myself based on my productivity. This is typical of people with long-term, severe depression. It is impossible for these people to feel good about their days because it is impossible for them I feel good. When they look back on their days, they have to be judged by something, though, to have enough motivation to keep going forward. This is why many judge their days based on productivity. Measurable achievements allow someone to feel positive about their day, even if they can’t feel happy about it. Trust me, this is a real coping skill that people with depression often use.
The problem with this is when you are not productive. The problem is, when you’re useless for whatever reason, you feel awful. You feel terrible about your day and you feel terrible about yourself. For me, I feel guilty for not completing what I need to each day. I it must be employee. I it must be cleaning my apartment I it must be covering phone calls. And I don’t accept any excuses. I don’t care that my brain is a rock. I want to mess around.
I need to forgive myself for being useless
Being worthless is something that every person experiences – bipolar or not. Everyone has lazy Sundays when all they do is relax and read the paper. That is OK. They shouldn’t kill themselves for it. No one should. Every person also experiences days that are useless and due to illness. They might have the flu, an injury or, yes, a disability. Nor should they talk themselves out of it.
I can say the above, and I can even believe it, but I feel like the rules don’t apply to me. My inner drill sergeant simply does not accept weakness, illness, or the need for a break as an excuse for anything. I’m rigid that way because that’s what it takes to stay productive. This is what it takes to have high-functioning bipolar disorder.
That being said, I have to learn to forgive myself for being useless some days due to bipolar disorder. Waste days are inevitable. Waste days are especially inevitable for me, thanks to my disability. And beating myself up about that reality doesn’t help. Feeling bad about my lack of productivity due to something out of my control isn’t going to help make a single thing better.
I forgive myself for being useless because of bipolar disorder
I’m still learning how to forgive myself because of the wasted days caused by bipolar disorder. That being said, here are some of the ways I work it:
- I recognize the lack of productivity. I see it as fact without any judgment. It just is.
- I recognize that I want to judge my uselessness. I admit it’s hard for me not to. I recognize that forcing productivity is a coping skill that often works but isn’t working right now.
- I recognize that I deserve the same grace as everyone else. I would never try to make a person feel bad about an unproductive day. I deserve the same treatment.
- I recognize that I am imperfect, and judgment is likely to creep in. Does not matter. I just have to go back to step one.
Really, there is nothing wrong with a useless day due to bipolar. It is not a sin and therefore does not even need forgiveness. Still, as I’m in progress, it’s part of what I have to do.
Do you beat yourself up about days you’re useless due to bipolar disorder? Can you forgive yourself for this? How do you do it? Are the above four steps helpful?
Image by Flickr user Deadoll.
