Does your child prefer the other parent? See what you need to do

We’ve all been there: you’re ready for a cozy cuddle session with your little one, only to hear, “I want daddy!” or “I want mommy!” Ouch! For parents of teenagers, who express things more directly, the scenario may look a little different. Imagine getting ready for an honest conversation, only to hear, “Can I talk to Dad about this?” or “Mommy makes me better when it comes to these things.” Double ah!

If you’ve ever felt pangs of jealousy because your child seems to prefer the other parent, you’re not alone. But don’t worry, it’s not necessarily a sign of bad parenting. Let’s explore this common challenge to get a clearer picture of what happens when your child prefers one parent over the other.

Why do children play favorites?

Children can be mysterious and unpredictable little beings with their own quirks and preferences. Sometimes, their favoritism can be as fickle as their taste in food (yesterday they loved broccoli, today it’s the enemy). Here are some reasons why your child may gravitate towards the other parent:

Developmental Phases: Just as they go through phases of loving certain toys or music, they can go through phases of favoring one parent. It is a normal part of their development.

Personality Fit: Sometimes, a parent’s personality may be a better match for what the child needs at the time. It is not a reflection of your worth as a parent.

Routine and comfort: Children thrive on routine and predictability. If a parent usually does bedtime, they may be best for nighttime cradling.

Power Tactics: Children can be surprisingly smart. Sometimes, they may favor a parent to get what they want, knowing who is more likely to say yes to that extra time using the iPad or extended playtime.

Send Message: Sometimes, a child’s preference can be a subtle way of communicating that something is not working in the relationship dynamic. They may be seeking more attention or connection from the parent they favor, or there may be an underlying issue that needs to be addressed.

What to do when you are Not the favorite

Before jumping to conclusions, it is essential to ask yourself: Am I spending enough quality time with my child? The key word here is quality. One-on-one time with your kids, with no one else around—no competition from the TV, cell phone, other siblings, or distractions—is essential to building a truly close relationship.

Quality time allows you to connect deeply with your child, understand their needs and create a strong bond. It’s not about quantity of time — five or 10 minutes every day to be with your child can be enough to create a deep connection that makes a difference. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your time together:

Be present: Put down your phone, turn off the screens and focus solely on your child and the activity they choose to do. Show them that they are your priority this time.

Engage in activities they love: Whether you’re reading a book, playing a game, or going for a walk, engage in activities your child enjoys. This shows that you value their interests and value spending time with them.

Listen actively: Pay attention to what your child is saying, ask questions and show a genuine interest in their stories and thoughts. This helps them feel heard and valued.

Create traditions: Establishing regular routines or traditions, such as a weekly movie night or a Saturday morning brunch in the backyard, can create fond memories and a sense of security for your child.

Acceptance and Transparency: Ask yourself if you openly accept your child exactly as he is during the time you are with him. Do they feel completely accepted or do they have to earn your time and attention? Are you sending a message that your attention must be bought by “behavior” or can your child come to you openly and imperfectly as they are without feeling dependent?

What if I’m still hurt?

It’s the big question: How to handle feeling waited on? First, take a deep breath. It’s okay to feel a little hurt, but remember, this phase will pass.

For example, you can turn this situation into a fun teamwork exercise. Plan activities that require both parents, such as a family game night or a cooking program. This way, your child sees the joy of spending time with both of you together.

It can also help you create special moments with your child that are uniquely yours. It could be a weekly trip to the park, a special bedtime story ritual, or even a secret handshake. These small traditions can strengthen your bond.

If your partner (or ex) is the current favorite for a certain activity, like reading bedtime stories or talking about the latest news from school, accept it. Take this opportunity to enjoy some “me time” or do something with other family members. It’s a win-win!

Be careful not to pressure your child with “Why not me?” This can make them feel guilty or confused about their preferences and can strain your relationship. Instead, focus on the positive aspects and find other ways to bond with your child.

Children understand our feelings. If you stay positive and playful about the situation, they will too. Instead of saying “Why don’t you want me to read to you?” try, “Wow, you and dad had such a fun story! How about we all read together tomorrow?’ or “Can I read this particular book together next time?”

If the established relationship is healthy and the bridges of communication are open, you can make the other parent part of the equation. Talk to them about how you feel. They may have some ideas or insights that will help balance things out.

Parenting is a team sport, not a competition. Be grateful that your child has someone they can trust and embrace the emotional support that person provides. Your child’s preference for one parent over the other is just a phase and does not diminish your importance in their life. Each parent brings unique strengths and love to the table, and your child benefits from all of that.

But above all, keep your sense of humor. Children are always evolving and their preferences change just as quickly as time. One day you’re the favorite, the next you’re not and that’s okay. What matters most is the love and care you consistently provide.

So the next time your child tells you they want the other parent, take it as a moment to relax, recharge, and maybe even enjoy a quiet cup of coffee. Parenting is a crazy ride, but with a little patience, teamwork, and lots of love, you can do just fine.

Welcome to Family Reset, a monthly column and must-go destination for all parents looking for guidance (and a little sanity) in the wild adventure of parenting. Behind this compelling and honest read is New York psychotherapist, author, editor, and “mom” Zuania Capó, (or just call her Z), a compassionate, multicultural, and integrative therapist who is passionate about supporting families to thrive and to connect. Armed with a touch of wisdom, insightful advice, witty wit, tons of honesty and humor, she’s here to help you navigate the complexities of parenthood while prioritizing your well-being.

Family Reset isn’t just a source of advice. is a vibrant community where parents can find inspiration, share their stories and realize they are not alone in their exciting roller coaster ride. Do you have any questions? Want answers? Get ready to hit that reset button and connect with Z on zcmentalhealth@zuaniacapo.com.