8 Things to Do When Attraction Dies in Your Marriage

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You’ve met, engaged and married the perfect person. You are compatible in every way that matters. Then, without warning, those butterflies that once fluttered in your stomach every time you were touched suddenly fly away.

Maybe your partner doesn’t look like they did when you were young (who does?… but still). Perhaps caring for children or parents makes it impossible to see your partner as anything other than an extra pair of hands. Maybe both of you have simply changed over the course of your marriage and so has your relationship and attraction to each other.

There’s no one reason why people stop being attracted to their partner, but experts agree that the issue is extremely common. “A perceived loss or change in attraction is one of the most common reasons couples end up in my office,” she says. Gabby Jimersona couples sex therapist and based in Tennessee. “Honestly, it’s basically universal,” agrees the sex and intimacy coach Angie Enger. “If someone tells you they’ve been 100% attracted for 20 straight years, they’re either lying or in the honeymoon phase of a very new second marriage. As upsetting or even scary as it can be to realize that you’ve lost attraction to your partner, know that you’re not alone. “It’s completely normal and not necessarily a sign that something is terribly wrong,” Enger tells SheKnows.

The good news: it’s definitely possible to regain that attraction. It starts with figuring out why he’s gone in the first place.

Why do we lose attraction in marriage?

Losing attraction during a long-term marriage or relationship is natural, to a degree. “It’s easy to feel romantic when you’re living apart and dating, because every moment you spend together is special,” she said. Tina B. TessinaPh.D., (aka “Dr. Romance”) psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage. But once you start living together, she explains, “such romantic moments are no longer automatic. Instead, much of your time together is spent on more mundane things. Once the initial novelty of living together wears off, you may worry that your partner is no longer as interested or as excited about being with you.”

Declining traction is rarely a result of one thing, either. Instead, it’s “usually a cocktail of increased stressors, decreased novelty and fun, and the very natural tendency to project our stress onto our partner,” says Enger. “Co-managing a life is a lot of work, especially if children, aging parents and/or chronic health issues are in the mix.”

There’s also the fact that people and life situations just change over time. Jimerson says a common dynamic is to be deeply attracted to a quality early on in your relationship, only to end up feeling disenchanted with the exact same quality later on. “For example, you may have loved your partner’s lively energy in your 20s, but later feel irritated when that same energy conflicts with responsibilities like getting home to put a child to bed,” she explains. This is where communication comes in, he says. “Accepting that your life together will evolve and being clear about what fuels or disrupts attraction helps couples stay connected instead of quietly drifting apart.”

So what can you do to get the spark back? Our experts have eight tips to regain that elusive attraction in your marriage.

1. Expand the definition of attraction

Sometimes it’s not you lose attraction — just what you’re attracted to and how you feel is different. “Age, stress, hormones, and the demands of life affect how our brains and bodies respond to intimacy,” Jimmerson explains. While the attraction in a new relationship can feel like you can’t keep your hands off each other, “later on the attraction can feel more subtle, steady, and responsive to the emotional connection.”

That doesn’t mean the attraction is gone, he explains. It just “requires more intention and a different kind of attention,” as well as “an environment that supports connection, play, and opportunities for intimacy.”

2. Be playful

“Letting yourselves laugh, relax, and enjoy each other—without pressure or expectation—helps restore a sense of ease and curiosity,” says Jimmerson. Introducing play into your relationship can involve many different things, ranging from low-pressure acts like playful touching and teasing to simply doing a fun activity together. “Just being physically close helps couples reconnect with their love energy in a more natural, relaxed way.”

Tessina adds that this can be as simple as you want. “Fun and intimacy don’t depend on spending money or going overboard; they don’t depend on a certain environment or activity, and they don’t have to take a lot of time,” he says. “Through play we reconnect with our hearts, our childhood selves and the intuitive, spontaneous reactions that lead to sexual relationships.”

3. Schedule time to be intimate

Sometimes to find time for sex, you have to schedule it like you would a meeting or a trip. It’s a recommendation Jimerson makes often, noting that “many couples dismiss it because it doesn’t feel ‘sexy’ and there’s a belief that passion should happen naturally. But anticipation can be deeply romantic.”

She explains that when couples commit to a specific time, they “start to interact differently throughout the day, to be more intentional about how they show up: maybe wearing something they feel good in, freshening up in a way that feels attractive, or making sure the bedroom is clean and inviting.” You combine mental and physical anticipation with delayed gratification. The result? “Desire,” says Jimmerson, “which is something that a lot of couples forget can be incredibly sexy.”

4. Reinvest in yourself.

When you’re trying to improve your relationship, it’s natural to feel like you need to focus on your partner and what they need. But instead, Enger recommends refocusing on yourself and prioritizing independence. “I know this sounds counterintuitive, but spend time apart,” she says. “You have your own hobbies. Bringing ‘new’ stories to the dinner table creates a sense of individuality that’s inherently appealing.”

“Intimacy is only possible when there is also sufficient personal space,” agrees Tessina. “Leave a little distance, regularly. ‘How can I miss you if you don’t go away?’ is a humorous way of putting it. You need some separate activities, friends and interests to keep your desire for each other fresh.”

5. Connect with each other beyond the physical.

While we certainly want to rebuild the physical connection (which is a big part of rekindling attraction), Enger says it’s also important to connect outside of sex. Talk to each other, try new hobbies or activities together, get to know each other anew. “Engaging in new or old ways reduces stress and rebuilds physical connection without the pressure of ‘performing,'” Enger explains.

6. Know that it’s natural for your partner (and you!) to change

You and your partner are not the same in your 20s. This applies to your appearance, your behavior, your life situation, possibly even your personality — because people change. For the health of your relationship, it’s time to let go of the past and focus on the present and the future.

“If you get hung up on how your partner acted or looked in their 20s, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment,” Enger explains. “Same goes for you! If you don’t feel good about yourself, it’s harder for your partner to feel good about you.”

7. Show your affection

“When you’re married and living together, it’s very easy to let romance slip away,” says Tessina. This doesn’t mean you have to do all the grand gestures, but small acts of affection can go a long way. “Don’t forget to bring home flowers, send cards, create or buy silly little gifts for each other,” she suggests. “Write poetry, silly notes or songs, clip into a magazine cartoon, or just say the positive things you feel.”

Beyond the gifts, remember to just show your partner that you respect and care for them. This can look like deep conversations, date nights, acts of service — anything you know makes them feel good. Because while you put yourself first, it’s important to remind your partner that they’re your number one too.

8. Have fun in the bedroom — and try new things

There are many ways to “prime the libido,” as Enger puts it, that can help rekindle your attraction to your partner. Here are some expert-approved suggestions: