Here’s the real difference between how men and women brag about sex
Bragging about sex is as old as sex itself. People have always felt compelled to share stories about the sex they had last night (and how many times and in what positions!)
Whether it’s in group chat or the weekly boys’ night out, sexual bragging is ubiquitous. However, that doesn’t mean all sex braggarts are created equal. Some are fun – and funny – to listen to, while others are just plain unpleasant.
What is different about sex talk for straight men and women? When it comes to women, we imagine a team Sex and the city-type of women who laugh about a blowjob. It’s fun and spontaneous. But when men talk about sex, it can often feel clichéd (at best) and offensive (at worst). No one wants to hear a man talk peacocking about his sex life!
I’ll break down why this perplexing gender gap exists—and how men can get better at talking about sex.
“Locker-Room Talk” is the norm for men
“Dude, I need to lay down. It’s been two months since I had sex.”
“I can’t relate, bro. I was lucky last night.”
Talking about sex is often a male-bonding activity, hence the tag “locker room talk.” When a man shows off his hot one-night stand last night, it reinforces what is expected of him. Part of being an alpha male is wooing a lot of women: It’s a status symbol for straight men in the same way that a hot girlfriend or an expensive new car is. That’s why it’s never unique to hear a guy talking about all the sex he’s had. There is no innovation in this!
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Consider a man who is not very sexually active. It would be embarrassing for him to admit, “Yeah, I haven’t had sex in a year.” He would become someone to sympathize with or feel sorry for. Similarly, we cannot understand a masculine man who does not have a high sex drive. “A male virgin” is a talking point in itself (which is why many male comics joke about their sad sex lives!)
…But Often Radical for Women
In stark contrast, women who talk about sex are subversive. We still live in a society that shames women for being too sexual: Men circulate memes of women’s “roast beef pussies,” and there are plenty of people who believe that sex makes women loose down there (which, for the record , he’s got scientifically disproved).
No wonder women worry about looking lewd if they have sex with multiple men. That’s why it’s refreshing or interesting to hear women talk nonchalantly about casual sex: they’re going against the norm.
Are men exaggerating (or just lying about it)?
“I hit on the hottest girl last night, man. She looked like a cross between Emma Roberts and Emma Watson.”
“Sure, man.”
Sure, man. This is often our response to men talking about sex! If they claim to have multiple sexual partners a week, or regularly do the Victoria’s Secret supermodel thing, we suspect them. The principle is similar to bragging about how rich you are: Men lie to look good.
The thing about sex is that it requires a certain amount of effort on the part of cis men — it is, after all, an exercise that requires energy and stamina. That’s why it’s best for men to be somewhat reserved when it comes to their sexual prowess. Resist the urge to tell people you slept four times last night! Even if you managed to have sex four times last night, what’s the point of advertising that sounds like a lie?
The vocabulary is just different for women
Consider the slang we usually associate with men talking about sex:
“I hit it!”
“Yes, I broke.”
“I’m gonna tear this shit up.”
“Man, I ruined her.”
“I can’t wait to kick that ass.”
“I beat the crap out of her.”
“I’m banging the hottest girl right now.”
You’ve probably heard a man say every single one of these lines. What do they have in common? They all frame sex as something you do to a woman, instead of with her.
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In this scenario, the woman is not much different than a tennis ball or some other inanimate object! (Not to mention—the violence of those words often suggests she wasn’t even enjoying it.) Bragging isn’t about her, it’s about you: It’s the most selfish kind of bragging.
When women talk about sex, meanwhile, it tends to be less dehumanizing:
“Yeah, my boyfriend and I fucked three times last night, I’m exhausted today.”
They talk more about sex as a joint activity – something both parties enjoy together. It would be refreshing to hear a man talk about sex in the same way. Describe sex in less horrible terms – talk about how good the sex you’re having with a particular person is, versus how good it is you are in Doing Sex To Her™.
Do you brag to women about being good in bed? Big No
A notable thing about the term viral “great energy bird» is that none of the men associated with it should they say they had it. Sexual confidence is like that — it’s obvious, it doesn’t need to be announced! Telling a woman on Tinder that you have a big dick or that you’re a wizard in bed is embarrassing. It’s a much better idea to wait and let her figure it out on her own.
When it comes to sexual bragging, remember the golden rule: Less is more. Maintain an air of mystery and you’ll generally look a lot better than if you were bragging.
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